I'm done asking myself, what could I have done differently? Truth is... I couldn't have done anything more than I already did. We always knew the outcome.
I did everything I could. I tried. I tried so hard. I loved. I loved so hard. I wasn't perfect. but I was me.
I am going to ask now, what will I do differently now? Truth is... I don't know what my outcome will be, but I do know somethings.
For whoever you are.. These are a few of my promises to you
I will always be honest. with myself. and you I will love. fully. purely. genuinely. always. I will try. but not push myself passed levels of comfort. I will heal. to love you better. so I am better for you. I will not compromise passed those same levels of comfort. I will sit back and relax. I will watch sportscenter and espn with you. I will laugh with you. hard. stomach-ache hard. I will lay in bed and not plan so much. I will appreciate. and communicate the appreciation. I will communicate. to the best of my ability. I will listen. not talk.just listen. I will always trust. I will not hold myself back. I will kiss you in the rain. every chance I get. I will dream. BIG DREAMS. I will support. encourage. believe. hope. I will cuddle. snuggle. kiss. hug. I will walk beside my love. not ahead. not behind. but beside. I will discuss ideas. thoughts. theories. days. moods. anything. I will love. unconditionally. for exactly who you are. I will cook. good meals. bad meals. cookies. and cake. I will be everything for you. but I won't do anything to be that. I will do little surprises. I will make you feel special. everyday. I will remember the little things. I will love. the biggest love I have. because I am good at it. I will hold your hand. anytime you want me too. I will be me. I will build a life. home. legacy with you. I will continue to grow by being curious. open. willing. I will live. everyday. I will go on adventures. I will make more memories. documenting them as we go. I will not keep track of right or wrong. I will try to not be so stubborn. or prideful. I will always be right. but when I am wrong I will tell you, you are right. I will love you how you need to be loved. I will complain. probably a lot. I will wear my cute aprons to cook for you. I will sing our favorite songs. loud in the car. I will be silly with you. I will always want you with me. always. I will have movie marathons with you. I will travel with you. anywhere you want to go. I will talk to you about everything. and anything. I will wear high heels. and get dressed up for no reason. I will take you on dates. I will slow dance with you. in candle light. in our kitchen. I will not be scared when I am with you. I will be proud of the man you are. I will want to make babies with you. after we are married of course. I will be the best. for myself first. and then for you. I will always compliment you. I will watch the movies you want to watch. after we watch the ones I want to watch. I will show interest in your family. your friends. your hobbies. I will grow old with you. and I will love every wrinkle. I will love you. always and for forever.
I have so much to say but I will keep it to myself...
I'm moving forward, as you go back...
I want to say so much more, but my momma taught me better... I think I am at the pissed off stage of mourning, but the good thing about that is I think the next stage is happiness I am done with mourning! And tomorrow will be that day!
I had the best little car! She took me on so many adventures, and even lost her life saving mine! ok, ok a little dramatic I know but, a year ago today I was in a car accident! I wasn't hurt, but sweet little punkin didn't make it out alive!
She was the best little car, and I just loved her so much! Thanks for all the great times punkin!
Funny to think about where I was a year ago, and where I am today. Some of the faces I saw daily are not the same anymore, but I am growing to be a better person and thats exactly what I need to be!
There is a huge, HUGE, huuuuge difference between Feeling your Feelings, or Filling your Feelings.
One is definitely harder than the other. One takes time. lots and lots of time. One takes being honest and open with yourself, even when its the hardest thing to do. One requires you to spend lonely days and nights together. One won't let you escape the different feelings you have going through your head and your heart (which are never on the same page)
But I would much rather take the road less traveled because life is not easy.
Feeling my feelings might be hard, really hard, but it will pay off in the end.
I have never been one to take the easy road. I will leave that path for you.
I have always had a problem letting go of things. I feel like if I have invested in something, I don't want to not see it blossom into its full potential.
There are things, or people in life that will never reach their full potential because they make the decision to stop growing.
You can water their foundation, give them the best soil, make sure they get enough sunlight, even talk or sing to them to encourage their growth and help them realize their full worth and potential.
But I guess I am learning, even if you do all these things, the object you are trying to help grow will only grow if it wants too. If it digs its roots down into what you have provided and sees their own potential.
I guess I hang on, because I want to be there for the beginning to the end of the process. If I am in a growing process with you, its fair to say I will want to be there with you until the end. When I invest in someone, I want to see my investment grow. I have hung on because I want to see you grow into what I know you can be. but, I have to realize its not my fault if you can't see your own potential. And if you limit yourself in life.
Duffy: Hanging On Too Long- It was just my mistake thinking you cared It was just my mistake thinking you'd be there That you'd be by my side and that you wouldn't lie My mistake
It was just my false hope thinking we'd last, yeah It was just my false hope, forgot all your past All those girls you denied Smashed up hearts hung out to dry
I know it's wrong, hanging on too long I know it's wrong, hanging on too long But I need to move on, hanging on too long
I was a fool for you right from the start, yeah I was a fool for you hoping for a spark For some kind of sign that you would be mine
I know it's wrong, I do, hanging on too long And I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
My heart was clutching to one fair right My head was pumping, it could put up a fight I know it's wrong, hanging on too long And I know it's wrong, hanging on too long And I need to move on, I'm hanging on too long
I know it's wrong, hanging on too long And I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
I said I was going to do this every monday, but I forgot to do it earlier. So I am doing it now. I will just try to update when I can!
Confession of a Single Girl: Single life isn't as easy as I thought it might be. It actually is much different than I thought it would be. But, I am doing the best I can with it! I have a smile on my face and new shoes on my feet!
one great thing about single life: I can buy any shoes I want just because I want too. And wear them, wherever I want too! Its amazing!
Life is full of analogies... so let me try to use one you can relate to and understand.
Cars, most people can relate to cars.
Well, when you have a Rolls Royce you can't get much better than that. Granted you have to take care of the Rolls Royce, you might have to put more effort into the maintenance of it, but driving that car, the Phantom to be exact, is well worth the effort, time, and resources. It wouldn't get much better than a Phantom.
But if you don't want to put the effort, time, or resources into a Rolls Royce, you have to downgrade. You have to get something that has the same purpose but will never be as good as a Rolls Royce. There are lots of options, you can go to a car you have used before because you are comfortable, or you can try something new.
But once you have experienced the Rolls Royce, you will always be searching for something to fill that void and give you that experience again. I am here to tell you, that Aspire you are driving is not, and will not ever be the Rolls Royce you used to have.
In case you don't know what an Aspire looks like, I included a picture of the best one I could find!
I am a city girl, through and through. but I just love to visit Oklahoma. I am sure, some of the people are sick of me already, but this life is so different to me. So much slower, not as cluttered, and I just love to visit!
Today, leaving the most precious coffee shop, HeBrews after lunch... if you ever go through Oklahoma stop by the Ditch Witch Factory and then HeBrews for the Pistol Pete Chicken Pesto- get it on an asiago bagel! Soooo good! I saw this thing on the ground it literally looked like a catfish with wings... well, a miniature catfish but it was bigger than 5 inches I soon found out, it was a MOTH! A freaking moth... It just was one more reminder of how much I enjoy this place... but only for visiting!
Found something I wrote years ago... 4ish to be exact Clearly, not the same person, my writing has changed, a lot, but at the time, it was me...
-The Faceless Travel
Im not much a writer but these are my words They're going to form a story just of a world It starts with a girl and will end with her too The Mysteries held within are between me and you
Its hard to tell from where it begins Because she didnt feel life until she met him Life had happened before, just not in her heart So lets begin, Lets take it from the start.
She traveled down roads some long and straight Others more troublesome, she never knew til too late Where she will end only he will know So she kept on running down all the wrong roads.
Most roads undiscovered were pure in her eyes Some she goes back to for the comfort of lies Old wounds from old travels hold her captive to old ways she tries to let go when she cant she just cries "Listen to what I have to say!"
"You know that I need you here by my side, to carry me through my life needs a guide I need your grace, your comfort and all of your heart you're what I've been needing, my life is ready to start"
There are places she goes but never alone These roads once desperate, now careful to roam With him by her side shes never afraid She knows the paths that she wanders, he already paved
The sky not always blue, the grass not always green She puts one foot forward, patient for the unseen Each road has a treasure and secrets untold Yet every encounter is a treasure alone.
She has her own struggles that you'll never know She wants you to know why but she feels so alone There are memories she has that she wished went away She tries to breathe deep inside when she cant she just cries "Listen to what I have to say!"
"You know my heart and even my mind you are in my life but where are you most the time! I know my life would be nothing, it started with you but I'm ready for more, can you give me that too!"
The wandering girl travels down yet another dark road Not knowing who is waiting for her hand to hold This is where she will meet the one he has for her This is all she has asked for, its love she is sure.
They go on their way hand in hand Some days it may pour, but they continue to stand She knows what it is, what it is her heart feels Shes been down this road but it wasn't this real
This girl and this boy dream of 'for forevers' She wants them to walk all their roads together But somethings not there, it hold the boy back She just wants to know what it is that she lacks?
The memories they make are her favorite of all She hopes her love is enough, but she feels so small. She wants the boys love but doesn't know the way She tries to not lose herself but when she can't she just cries "Listen to what I have to say!"
"How can it feel this way, so good and so bad? Sometimes I wonder does the boy miss what he had? Now you need to tell me am I wasting 'for forevers'? Or is this something the boy knows has always been a never?"
She needs that comfort of him and those words from his heart She never questions what the boy has from the start Here they are now but they came from such different places She knows that their lives have been filled with different faces.
The struggles she has are all from before She tries to forget them and move on to more She hates to admit shes afraid from her past She just needs to know their forever will last.
The boy has fears too, its something she can tell Her travels become faceless as her heart continues to swell She has lost herself in the boy and all of his ways She tries to be honest but when she cant she just cries "Listen to what I have to say!"
"I cant promise you 'for forevers' and days of sunshine but I can promise you this my heart is not mine I have done what I can, I don't know what else I can do But I guess its just one thing I will never hear from you."
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."- Albert Einstein...
Ever have an "ah Ha" moment? You realize you are not making the best decision for yourself, yet you continue to make the decision over and over thinking this time it, he, she, they will be different, treat you different, react different. it won't happen. its insane to think that doing the same thing over and over will give you a different result.
But the hardest part, is to break the cycle. To stop making the same choices, stop doing the same thing over and over. If you want different results you have to do something If nothing changes... nothing changes, right??
I had an "Ah Ha" moment today. I put myself into a situation where I don't like the result but I keep doing it over and over hoping it will be different. it wont happen. So I need to start making the right decision for me because ultimately, this is my life. its about me. and i am the only one living my life
Another "Ah Ha" moment I had about myself was that one of my character flaws and strength is kindness... Some people mistake kindness for weakness Others take advantage of a persons kindness Then there are people who read too much into someone being kind And lastly, there are some people who see kindness for exactly what it is.
I am tired of people not seeing kindness as what it is intended to be.
I want to be kind to everyone
But I am learning I can't be, because in the end, I am hurt.
I tend to be an open book But I am realizing, a lot of people are like those little diaries you get as a child you know the ones that have a lock on them for no one to get into. I would try to open those things anyway I could, and to no avail I couldn't unless I had the key.
Because I, sometimes not always... just sometimes, attribute how I am to how others are, I feel like when people first meet me, they think I ask too many questions... Maybe even make them uncomfortable because I want to know their story, every piece of it. I understand that getting to know a person is a process but I love the process, so I am constantly pursuing people's stories...
I wouldn't call myself nosey I consider myself more as a curious and genuinely intrigued individual
I truly want to know everyone's story that comes into my life The roads that people have taken to get them where they are, are important to me
Today, I was driving on the freeway looking at the tire marks all over. One dashing across the entire width of the freeway before disappearing into the gravel One that swirls around the middle lanes A set that begin and stop in a dark halt
How did these tire marks happen? What happened to the people that left them behind? How did those little marks that are left for me to drive over change someone's life? How will those marks change my life? Do they drive passed them everyday and think about what happened? Could something so permanent for others to see shift someone's destiny?
I want to know those people's stories I want to know "How'd you get to this point in your life?" Did your tires screech, halt, swirve, skid across the road or are you driving through life, not leaving any marks to look back on?
Its things like tire marks on the sixty that get me thinking...
"Humans live in webs of meaning that we ourselves have spun" unknown...
This blog is a little contradicting but its been on my mind...
Why are we fed the idea that life is a fairytale? That you fall in love and everything is perfect That guys go above and beyond to do things that are just perfect for who we are.
Why do we hold our expectations to unreachable heights because we watch movies, tv, listen to music, read books about things that really do not happen?
Trust me, I believe in love I believe in true love but the way society and media shape our understanding of real life is NOT real life.
I am not saying that I don't believe that special, romantic things can happen but I am saying its not fair that the next person who has to fill in the shoes of my dream guy will have to be an unbelievably sexy, scruffy, sensitive, accomplished, curious, hopelessly romantic mind reader who isn't afraid of love...
i am not scared to love again. i think love beautiful i cant wait to be in love
what scares me more than loving again, is not. is that no one will love me again
getting hurt does not scare me because to get hurt, you will of loved fully and truly true love is worth everything and anything to me and its a risk i am more than willing to take
but sometimes, L is for lonely...
one day i was talking to my brother, i told him sometimes i am lonely, and that i didn't want to be and he told me, when i was ready to get back out there, would be when being alone didnt feel lonely... Most days i don't but somedays i do
L is mostly for love, Sometimes for lonely, Always for Living Life....
*this was the world's smallest man, with Shaq's shoe- you'll get it later...*
WARNING: this post is going to be dreadfully honest, and I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way, but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and this is me being honest...
the beautiful thing about starting new is that you get a new beginning...
I, not only deserve but I am allowed to set my expectations and bar as high as I want...
Why should I limit myself or what others can do? Why should I lower my standards? Make excuses for people and their actions? Read into things? Get my hopes up?
I have expectations high expectations for the people who are in my life, and who want to be in my life.
I will not settle... I am done trying to force someone to see how amazing I am (YES i have lots of flaws, but who doesn't... I still know that I have a TON of great things going for me that make me who I am. I am the only one who can be me, and so I am going to do it to the best of my ability) if you can't or don't want to see that, its not worth it. im not going to force it.
I don't want to be only someones consideration I want to be someones end all, be all I am so worth getting to know I deserve to be pursued
I have been very blessed with an amazing family. My parents are amazing, and instilled in me self confidence at a very young age. My brother has always been protective, supportive, loving of me
But my daddy, he has given me something that is irreplaceable...
I have always been a daddy's girl. my whole life. my dad has shown me how I should be treated, and how I deserve to be treated. he has put me on a pedastool and I will not settle for anyone who doesn't put me on the same, if not higher, pedastool...
He gave me unconditional love, confidence and an example of how a man should love and treat a woman...
it could be easy to say, his shoes would be impossible to fill. but that is not the case they will be filled someday... because there is someone out there who was made to love me someone who will do his best to love me unconditionally and puts me on a pedastool that my dad would be proud of...
I am saying this now... I deserve someone who chooses to grow through life with me I deserve someone who couldn't stand the idea of me not being with him I deserve the world, everyone does...
maybe the more I say it, the more I will believe it
I am an open book. I am curious about people: where they come from, what they believe, their life experiences I thrive on getting to know people for exactly who they are, and who they want to be. but I try soo very hard to never assume I know a person, before I really truly know them.
I can honestly say, I HATE... can not stand... get so annoyed... when people assume they know me because of a few bites of information I have given them
or when they think they still know me, when they haven't put any effort into our friendship in weeks, months, years...
so please... don't assume you know me when you don't. please... don't tell me what I like, don't like, feel, think when you only just met me please... don't assume I am the same person I was when we were friends- so long ago please... just don't
in this new journey i have been going through i am experiencing something that i haven't felt in a long time it creeps in at unexpected times there is no rhyme or reason in a room full of people, or in a bed by myself it is distinct it is gut wrenching heartbreaking unbearable at best its something i have never been well at i strive for connection i live from communication i love to feel loved but this thing i haven't felt in a long time takes over it screams out, in a silent world
this journey i am on is a winding path through darkness and light it is taking me places i don't want to go, be, or ever visit again it forces you to be honest, open and curious
i am not afraid of what is at the end because i know i will come out of this better but this new journey i am on, i am on alone
1. Read at least 12 books a. Pride and Prejudice, must be one of those 2. Move to San Diego 3. Say yes more 4. Go on a date. by myself 5. Invest in a hobby-- bought a year membership to an outdoor boot camp 6. Go to a NFL game (Wasn't NFL but it was the OSU Homecoming game, which is even better!) 7. Run a 5k-- Did the Color Run, but didn't actually run it. So I will keep this up 8. Watch "Gone with the Wind" 9. Join a small group/book club 10. Go salsa dancing 11. Take a day off to go on an adventure 12. Cook dinner for a friend and take it to them 13. Visit a friend in a different city/state 14. Try 'The Bar Method' work out 15. Throw a themed dinner party 16. Visit the Monterey Aquarium 17. Write a letter to my former self 18. Make bread from scratch 19. Visit the Golden Gate Bridge 20. Make new friends 21. Create a new tradition 22. Go paddle boarding 23. Try Bikram yoga or Hot yoga 24. Come up with a personal motto-- "Do something today your future self will thank you for" 25. Learn how to sew 26. Learn how to golf