I was thinking back to some of my old posts that I have written...
Its been almost a year since I really started using this blog as an emotional outlet.
This has been a blessing and a curse...
Blessing because, I would go crazy if I had to keep all of these emotions inside.
Curse because, I can look back and see how crazy I have been during this process.
Blessing because, I can look back at the feelings I was having and hopefully it has helped someone else.
But there was one post that I did, about 8 months ago that is still one of my favorites
I am thinking I might go through and tag all my favorite posts that were either really helpful to write or just ones that I like to look back on.
I think this one in particular is my favorite because its my heart.
I was being completely and utterly honest
but, genuinely hopeful. Love is my favorite thing...
and this post is my kind of love
There is not a lot I can control in life,
but these are things I can...
I am sure I could add on to this list, but its a pretty good start!
To make it easier, I will repost it here! :) 7.29.2010
I'm done asking myself, what could I have done differently? Truth is... I couldn't have done anything more than I already did. We always knew the outcome. I did everything I could. I tried. I tried so hard. I loved. I loved so hard. I wasn't perfect. but I was me.
I am going to ask now, what will I do differently now? Truth is... I don't know what my outcome will be, but I do know somethings. For whoever you are.. These are a few of my promises to you
I will always be honest. with myself. and you I will love. fully. purely. genuinely. always. I will try. but not push myself passed levels of comfort. I will heal. to love you better. so I am better for you. I will not compromise passed those same levels of comfort. I will sit back and relax. I will watch sportscenter and espn with you. I will laugh with you. hard. stomach-ache hard. I will lay in bed and not plan so much. I will appreciate. and communicate the appreciation. I will communicate. to the best of my ability. I will listen. not talk. just listen. I will always trust. I will not hold myself back. I will kiss you in the rain. every chance I get. I will dream. BIG DREAMS. I will support. encourage. believe. hope. I will cuddle. snuggle. kiss. hug. I will walk beside my love. not ahead. not behind. but beside. I will discuss ideas. thoughts. theories. days. moods. anything. I will love. unconditionally. for exactly who you are. I will cook. good meals. bad meals. cookies. and cake. I will be everything for you. but I won't do anything to be that. I will do little surprises. I will make you feel special. everyday. I will remember the little things. I will love. the biggest love I have. because I am good at it. I will hold your hand. anytime you want me too. I will be me. I will build a life. home. legacy with you. I will continue to grow by being curious. open. willing. I will live. everyday. I will go on adventures. I will make more memories. documenting them as we go. I will not keep track of right or wrong. I will try to not be so stubborn. or prideful. I will always be right. but when I am wrong I will tell you, you are right. I will love you how you need to be loved. I will complain. probably a lot. I will wear my cute aprons to cook for you. I will sing our favorite songs. loud in the car. I will be silly with you. I will always want you with me. always. I will have movie marathons with you. I will travel with you. anywhere you want to go. I will talk to you about everything. and anything. I will wear high heels. and get dressed up for no reason. I will take you on dates. I will slow dance with you. in candle light. in our kitchen. I will not be scared when I am with you. I will be proud of the man you are. I will want to make babies with you. after we are married of course. I will be the best. for myself first. and then for you. I will always compliment you. I will watch the movies you want to watch. after we watch the ones I want to watch. I will show interest in your family. your friends. your hobbies. I will grow old with you. and I will love every wrinkle. I will choose you. always. I will love you. always and for forever.
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Marianne Williamson (co-leader of the United States Department of Peace movement)
I am trying to read more books, specifically spiritual books but fictional, leisurely reads will sneak in there every once in a while.
You know how a smell, song, outfit (yes, outfit) can strike a memory that takes you right back to a time in your life
Good or bad, we all have triggers like this...
Almost like you get carried back in time for just the first few seconds as the current surroundings morphe your senses to the past.
You feel like you are right there, it looks just how it had when you were actually living the memory
As the memory consumes your thoughts, the emotions surge, you take yourself right back to where you were...
Then as soon as the smell has passed, the song is over, you change your mind on what to wear
its all gone. every ounce of emotion. the vivid colors. the nostalgia. all. gone.
I have been blessed with a life full of happiness and abundance
but like most people, I have been through trials
I have felt like asking, "God, what the hell are you doing?"
Why my momma?
Why a best friends dad?
The book, Second Guessing God, was that kind of trigger for me
I welcomed it, I am not going through a devastating trial, right now
But I could relate, I could take myself back to a time when I was desparate to hear God's voice
Three things I took away from this book were:
1. God is working upstream in our lives. We can't see what is happening, but God has a reason, he has a purpose and thought we can't see it, he is working upstream in our lives for what is best for us. He wants only good things for us. We just have to trust that God's purpose will become apparent to us when we can't see the out of our storm.
2. Don't waste your pain. This one really struck me, because I have felt a desire to volunteer with cancer patients or families because of the experience I had. My family and I went through that experience, not to put it away in the "do not think about" category. We went through it so we could help others who are going through it. So we could tell people, "I understand, I was scared too". If you have learned from one of your trials, don't waste your pain. Do something with it to bless someone else.
3. God is in control. And contrary to what we feel at times of sorrow, and pain, He really does know what He is doing. Its ok to be honest with him when we think his way or his plan is stupid, painful, wrong. (I mean he knows what we are thinking anyways, so why sugar coat it!) We can turn our backs on him and run the other way. But ultimately, God loves us. He wants only good things for us. Sometimes, we just have to go through some shit to understand.
Whether you are in the thick of a life storm, watching it rolling in, or seeing the rainbow
This book gives you hope in God's plan, answers to prayers you thought were never heard, and comfort that you truly are not alone.
John 13:7- Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but soon you will understand."
Forgive me, for I am no scholar in this field, so I am not sure how profound this will be or if it will even make sense, But this is my perspective and experience. Its also my blog so I guess those things don't necessarily matter!
I am going to try and work out some thoughts I have on Love right now
I say, right now, because I realize Love is something I will continually explore and draw new understanding from, as I experience life
As most of my blogs go, I am not really following a brain storm, or a rough draft
Just writing it down as it flows from my heart...
Its not new to anyone that I love to love
But, do I know the capacity my love could be if I can't let God love me?
Do I even know the capacity of how God loves me?
Ever have a question, thought, scenario get stuck in your head?
You go over it, and over it, and over it.
Thinking, spinning, questioning, exploring, trying to find an answer...
This week my struggle is... how can I let anyone love me, if I haven't even let God love me?
It sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but just bare with me Everyone has a wall, we all make a choice on how we build or take down our walls with people
I believe my wall is made of some kind of bionic transparent plastic
you can see right through it, through me... I choose to be an open person, but open does not mean unguarded, I am learning
But its a bionic wall, even I don't know how high and strong it really is
First thought on Love is...
God is Love. But I don't know how to let God love me
Do I really know Love?
Can we truly understand the depth of God's Love for us?
How do you let God love you?
Which makes me think, if I can't let God love me... how would I let anyone else love me?
And these thoughts just continue
like water rushing downstream from a broken levy
I have been trying to fathom what God's Love is like...
And let me tell you, I am not sure my mind can even imagine the space it truly consumes,
the warmth it gives,
the light it shines,
the happiness it truly brings...
Can you imagine the depth of God's love?
I think of the Grand Canyon, or the Mariana Trench when I imagine an object really deep
I truly believe that God's Love for us goes even deeper than that
if it were something you could fit in boundaries (which I know we can not)
I don't have the answers for these thoughts, I am sure there is someone out there who could name a bible verse for every question I have, but this is the conclusion I have come too...
God is Love.
But if I don't let God love me, (aka break down the bionic wall)
I will never know the BIG love I have talked about needing.
His love is more powerful and consuming than anything I could imagine.
Without His love, I can not love to my full capacity.
I am sure there are times in our lives
falling in love, and becoming parents or aunts/uncles
that we get a glimpse of what it feels like to have a BIG love,
even God's type of love, I believe it is just a glimpse of what his love is like
I am not sure I will ever truly comprehend the depth His love goes for me.
I think the answer to this question looks different to everyone, I am not sure how my answer looks.
I know God loves me because I am his beloved.
God loves to love me as broken as I am, with the mistakes I have made I just have to be willing to accept it... I am longing to accept it
I do believe accepting God's love for me is like taking the top layer of my bionic wall down...
Ultimately, God's love is BIG. Its bigger than I can imagine.
It is a redeeming love that I am blessed by.
It is an unconditonal love that I am saved by.
It is an unfaltering love I am humbled by.
God's love is so mighty
and if I can open my heart to that kind of love,
I believe I will be blessed with an amazing kind of love
that will just be a glimmer of what he has for me...
I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling,
which usually is not the case.
I am a talker.
I am a feeler.
I prefer to talk it all out, than hold it all in.
Even though I do hold it in a lot of the time...
I am really excited, scared, hopeful, trusting in this season of my life.
Recently, I have felt a shift in my heart.
I don't know exactly what God's plan is for me right now,
But I feel him stirring up something in my heart that I can tell will be very important.
I just have this overwhelming sense of urgency to draw near to Him.
I started reading a book called, Second Guessing God by Brian Jones
I don't feel that I am at a place where I am second guessing God
but a lot of what I have read, I have been able to apply to my life and the life of my friends around me.
I am not sure what God's plan upstream is for me...
But whatever it is, its muy importante
I can tell...
You are wonderfully made. There is no one else out there like you. Shine like thestaryou are.Lovewith the heart that only you have. Always remember yourbrilliance.There is a magic aboutyou, that is all of your own. You are afirework.
I tried to google you, so I could add a picture of you to my blog, but all the pictures either grossed me out or looked inappropriate. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't really miss you. You were good to me for the 24 years we spent together. I appreciate whatever it is that you did. But, the last week we spent together, you really were a pain in my abs (haha, that made me chuckle). Then, you ruined a fun trip planned with my best friend. I am glad you are gone now, and I can finally get back to feeling normal. Thanks for the memories...
1. Read at least 12 books a. Pride and Prejudice, must be one of those 2. Move to San Diego 3. Say yes more 4. Go on a date. by myself 5. Invest in a hobby-- bought a year membership to an outdoor boot camp 6. Go to a NFL game (Wasn't NFL but it was the OSU Homecoming game, which is even better!) 7. Run a 5k-- Did the Color Run, but didn't actually run it. So I will keep this up 8. Watch "Gone with the Wind" 9. Join a small group/book club 10. Go salsa dancing 11. Take a day off to go on an adventure 12. Cook dinner for a friend and take it to them 13. Visit a friend in a different city/state 14. Try 'The Bar Method' work out 15. Throw a themed dinner party 16. Visit the Monterey Aquarium 17. Write a letter to my former self 18. Make bread from scratch 19. Visit the Golden Gate Bridge 20. Make new friends 21. Create a new tradition 22. Go paddle boarding 23. Try Bikram yoga or Hot yoga 24. Come up with a personal motto-- "Do something today your future self will thank you for" 25. Learn how to sew 26. Learn how to golf