52. 'The Right Decision"

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday

And other times its a distant memory
Someone else making the "Right" decision, you never had the strength to make

That crushing feeling, you know the one, when you hear those words
You lose all feeling in your legs, your heart starts to race
You try to think back, had you done something wrong?
What did they want to talk about?

You thought everything was going fine.
Yea, there were those little things you both never seemed to get over
And the things you never seemed to make him happy with
But those things wouldn't be worth giving up on everything you had...

Then all the wind is knocked out of you
You can't tell your days apart
You hadn't moved from "crying" position in who knows how long
Everywhere you turn, every place you go there they are
The memories that once brightened your days
Now hang over you like a rain cloud you will never escape

But there are thoughts, every so often, that pull you back to the surface
You have been drowning in your own tears, fears, frustrations, devastations, sadness, confusion
You have been sinking to the bottom with a "How do I go on?" weight,
Pulling you further and further down
Then there is a tiny life saver

A friend calling to check on you
That spot in your bed beckoning you to stay a little longer
Your mom holding you like when you were little
Your dad telling you he would do anything to fix this feeling
The empty journal, you've been neglecting all this time
The thoughts: as much as this hurts
As much as I hate this
There is something that strangely feels right

These feelings are natural, after so much of you had been defined by something else
These emotions, feelings hold on tight
They make you think the wrong decision is right
Because if this is the right decision, why does it hurt so badly?

This year I have learned you will feel this way with heartache
Even when it is Right, it does not mean Easy.
Sometimes it is even harder to stand up for what you want
Than to make the wrong decision to stay comfortable

It all gets better.
There are days where the breaking stops
You can breathe normally, and tears don't fall as often.
Then there are days when you smile, really smile again.
It doesn't always stay that way
It might take time for the Right decision to feel right

There will be sunshine again
Warm memories that you create as you find yourself
It all takes time
And you deserve that time

Don't let the experiences of the past close your opportunities of the future
Don't make someone else pay for the scars of your past
There will be a Right decision that is Easy for you
But deep down inside, your heart knows
Follow your heart, it knows the way...