3.16.2011

Book Report

I am trying to read more books, specifically spiritual books but fictional, leisurely reads will sneak in there every once in a while.

You know how a smell, song, outfit (yes, outfit) can strike a memory that takes you right back to a time in your life
Good or bad, we all have triggers like this...
Almost like you get carried back in time for just the first few seconds as the current surroundings morphe your senses to the past.
You feel like you are right there, it looks just how it had when you were actually living the memory
As the memory consumes your thoughts, the emotions surge, you take yourself right back to where you were...
Then as soon as the smell has passed, the song is over, you change your mind on what to wear
its all gone. every ounce of emotion. the vivid colors. the nostalgia. all. gone.

I have been blessed with a life full of happiness and abundance
but like most people, I have been through trials
I have felt like asking, "God, what the hell are you doing?"
Why me?
Why my momma?
Why a best friends dad?
Why?

The book, Second Guessing God, was that kind of trigger for me
I welcomed it, I am not going through a devastating trial, right now
But I could relate, I could take myself back to a time when I was desparate to hear God's voice

Three things I took away from this book were:

1. God is working upstream in our lives. We can't see what is happening, but God has a reason, he has a purpose and thought we can't see it, he is working upstream in our lives for what is best for us. He wants only good things for us. We just have to trust that God's purpose will become apparent to us when we can't see the out of our storm.

2. Don't waste your pain. This one really struck me, because I have felt a desire to volunteer with cancer patients or families because of the experience I had. My family and I went through that experience, not to put it away in the "do not think about" category. We went through it so we could help others who are going through it. So we could tell people, "I understand, I was scared too". If you have learned from one of your trials, don't waste your pain. Do something with it to bless someone else.

3. God is in control. And contrary to what we feel at times of sorrow, and pain, He really does know what He is doing. Its ok to be honest with him when we think his way or his plan is stupid, painful, wrong. (I mean he knows what we are thinking anyways, so why sugar coat it!) We can turn our backs on him and run the other way. But ultimately, God loves us. He wants only good things for us. Sometimes, we just have to go through some shit to understand.



Whether you are in the thick of a life storm, watching it rolling in, or seeing the rainbow
 This book gives you hope in God's plan, answers to prayers you thought were never heard, and comfort that you truly are not alone.

John 13:7- Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but soon you will understand."

3.11.2011

Rolling In The Deep



I am loving the newest Adele cd right now
This video, not so much, but I love this song...

It makes me dance. Just kind of groove around.
There is something about the beat.

Love You Big

Forgive me, for I am no scholar in this field, so I am not sure how profound this will be
or if it will even make sense, But this is my perspective and experience.
Its also my blog so I guess those things don't necessarily matter!

I am going to try and work out some thoughts I have on Love right now

I say, right now, because I realize Love is something I will continually explore and draw new understanding from, as I experience life
As most of my blogs go, I am not really following a brain storm, or a rough draft
Just writing it down as it flows from my heart...

Its not new to anyone that I love to love
But, do I know the capacity my love could be if I can't let God love me?
Do I even know the capacity of how God loves me?

Ever have a question, thought, scenario get stuck in your head?
You go over it, and over it, and over it.
Thinking, spinning, questioning, exploring, trying to find an answer...

This week my struggle is... how can I let anyone love me, if I haven't even let God love me?

It sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but just bare with me

Everyone has a wall, we all make a choice on how we build or take down our walls with people
I believe my wall is made of some kind of bionic transparent plastic
you can see right through it, through me...
I choose to be an open person, but open does not mean unguarded, I am learning
But its a bionic wall, even I don't know how high and strong it really is

First thought on Love is...
God is Love. But I don't know how to let God love me
Do I really know Love?

Second thought...
Can we truly understand the depth of God's Love for us?

Third thought...
How do you let God love you?
Which makes me think, if I can't let God love me... how would I let anyone else love me?

And these thoughts just continue
like water rushing downstream from a broken levy
 

I have been trying to fathom what God's Love is like...
And let me tell you, I am not sure my mind can even imagine 

the space it truly consumes,
the warmth it gives,
the light it shines,
the happiness it truly brings...

Can you imagine the depth of God's love?
I think of the Grand Canyon, or the Mariana Trench when I imagine an object really deep
I truly believe that God's Love for us goes even deeper than that
if it were something you could fit in boundaries (which I know we can not)

I don't have the answers for these thoughts, I am sure there is someone out there who could name a bible verse for every question I have, but this is the conclusion I have come too...

First conclusion...
God is Love.
But if I don't let God love me,  (aka break down the bionic wall)
I will never know the BIG love I have talked about needing.
His love is more powerful and consuming than anything I could imagine.
Without His love, I can not love to my full capacity.

Second Conclusion...
I am sure there are times in our lives
falling in love, and becoming parents or aunts/uncles
that we get a glimpse of what it feels like to have a BIG love,
even God's type of love, I believe it is just a glimpse of what his love is like
I am not sure I will ever truly comprehend the depth His love goes for me.

Third Conclusion...
I think the answer to this question looks different to everyone, I am not sure how my answer looks.
I know God loves me because I am his beloved.
God loves to love me as broken as I am, with the mistakes I have made

I just have to be willing to accept it... I am longing to accept it

I do believe accepting God's love for me is like taking the top layer of my bionic wall down...
 

Ultimately, God's love is BIG. 
Its bigger than I can imagine.
It is a redeeming love that I am blessed by.
It is an unconditonal love that I am saved by.
It is an unfaltering love I am humbled by.

God's love is so mighty
and if I can open my heart to that kind of love,
I believe I will be blessed with an amazing kind of love
that will just be a glimmer of what he has for me...

3.10.2011

Muy Importante

I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling,
which usually is not the case.
I am a talker.
I am a feeler.
I prefer to talk it all out, than hold it all in.
Even though I do hold it in a lot of the time...

I am really excited, scared, hopeful, trusting in this season of my life.
Recently, I have felt a shift in my heart.
I don't know exactly what God's plan is for me right now,
But I feel him stirring up something in my heart that I can tell will be very important.
I just have this overwhelming sense of urgency to draw near to Him.

I started reading a book called, Second Guessing God by Brian Jones
I don't feel that I am at a place where I am second guessing God
but a lot of what I have read, I have been able to apply to my life and the life of my friends around me.

I am not sure what God's plan upstream is for me...
But whatever it is, its muy importante
I can tell...

3.08.2011

Sometimes we need a reminder...




You are wonderfully made. There is no one else out there like you. Shine like the star you are. Love with the heart that only you have. Always remember your brilliance. There is a magic about you, that is all of your own. You are a firework.
Yes, You! 

3.03.2011

Dear Appendix,

Dear Appendix,

I tried to google you, so I could add a picture of you to my blog, but all the pictures either grossed me out or looked inappropriate. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't really miss you. You were good to me for the 24 years we spent together. I appreciate whatever it is that you did. But, the last week we spent together, you really were a pain in my abs (haha, that made me chuckle). Then, you ruined a fun trip planned with my best friend. I am glad you are gone now, and I can finally get back to feeling normal. Thanks for the memories...

Kate
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