First and foremost, I suck at this. I don't know why I find it so hard to keep this thing updated but I guess it is just a habit I need to form because I truly believe communication is the best expression of the heart.
This is going to be the start of my full month of blog updating according to my 101 list! I really am going to try to do it... I'm kind of cheating since it is the shortest month of the year, but hey it still counts!
I think I just have a hard time coming to the blog world because I don't feel like what I have to say will matter but I guess it doesn't really matter! I just feel good after talking out my heart so that is why I do this.
Its funny that the more I start to grow up, the less patience I have for idiocy. I hate that people are so inconsiderate. I hate that as a human my first reaction to being hurt is to cause that person to feel how I have. I hate that I get irritated by little things when there are MUCH bigger problems in this world. I hate that I often wear my heart on my sleeve, open to the world and all its forces. I realize how hard it is to find true friends, and people that aren't just trying to benefit from you, or use you for convenience. I wish I had everything figured out. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me I am on the right path to true happiness. I know that life is about learning, but sometimes I don't like what I have learned.
For being as young as I am, I am far too familiar with death than I should be. It's almost to the point that I can't show emotion over the situation right away because I know how it goes. You get bad news, you wait for phone calls, whether it be minutes, days, weeks or years you'll get that one fateful phone call. Then the logical side sets in, who do you need to call, what travel plans need to be made, what plan needs to be set into action. Then when you are alone, at night is when the grief strikes. Its when you are there with just your thoughts that the sadness takes hold, and sometimes you just don't know why.
I just want a break. I don't want to have to worry about doctors appointments and test results. I don't want to only see family because we've lost a part of our love puzzle that will not quite fit the same way again. I just want to wake up and be. Be worry-free. Be happy. Just be.
The hardest part of it all is that the rock you've watched your whole life crumbles in your arms and there is nothing you can do to piece him back together. nothing.
RIP Uncle Dean. 02.01.09 Love you...
4 months ago