Better Late than Never

Some of you might remember this post or the list of 25 things I wanted to do in my 25th year.
Well, to say I didn't finish my list would be an understatement.
Once I moved I didn't give that list a second thought.
There were times when it came to mind
But there definitely wasn't an effort to make them happen

I love to make lists
I love to cross items off my list
but I am also out of sight out of mind.
This list was just not in my sight so it wasn't in my mind.

I started thinking awhile ago I wanted to update the list a bit
I am going to change a few of these and add another for my 26th year
Maybe even cross a few off the list that I did but never "crossed" it off.

1. Read at least 12 books
a. Pride and Prejudice, must be one of those
2. Move to San Diego
3. Say yes more
4. Go on a date. by myself
5. Invest in a hobby-- bought a year membership to an outdoor boot camp
6. Go to a NFL game (Wasn't NFL but it was the OSU Homecoming game, which is even better!)
7. Run a 5k-- Did the Color Run, but didn't actually run it.  So I will keep this up
8. Watch "Gone with the Wind"
9. Join a small group/book club
10. Go salsa dancing
11. Take a day off to go on an adventure
12. Cook dinner for a friend and take it to them
13. Visit a friend in a different city/state
14. Try 'The Bar Method' work out
15. Throw a themed dinner party
16. Visit the Monterey Aquarium
17. Write a letter to my former self
18. Make bread from scratch
19. Visit the Golden Gate Bridge
20. Make new friends
21. Create a new tradition
22. Go paddle boarding
23. Try Bikram yoga or Hot yoga
24. Come up with a personal motto-- "Do something today your future self will thank you for"
25. Learn how to sew-- made pillow cases at the cabin at Thanksgiving
26. Learn how to golf

There we have it folks.
Maybe this year I will actually cross these items off the list.

A fresh start

I don't know what it is.
I can't seem to write
The words don't come together the way they normally do

I know I write when I am broken
When the words take up too much space in my mind
They have to come out.

But I have so much going on in my head
Yet the words don't form as I want them too.

It is a new year
Which means everyone set their goals
Aspires to be healthier, eat better, be more active
People aren't going to spend frivolously, attend church more

We all do it.
Set goals to better ourselves for this New Year
With full intention of sticking to them through at least January.

I am the ultimate list maker, as many of you know
I have a list of things I want to do in my 25th year of life
But this year I didn't make a list, because I didn't want to say something I wasn't going to keep.

I have been thinking a lot about
A Fresh Start
Starting with a blank canva, no expectations, fresh pages in my story

2012 is going to be a year of New
New City
New Job
New Friends
New Routine
New Roommate
New Adventures
New Chances

I start a new job, that I could not feel more blessed by
I feel like the Lord has opened up this door for me and I could not have done it without Him.
It was Him that orchestrated it all.
His plan for my life is better than I could imagine and I hope I can give all areas of my life to His plan. Not just pick and choose what it is I am going to trust Him with.

I am in a New city which makes me happier than I have been in a long time.
Everyday I look around in Awe thinking, this place is MY home.
This new city breathes energy into me.
I am so excited for the New adventures, New chances that are in store for me

I am making New Friends and rekindling friendships.
The Lord has blessed me with a great community, which I hope to grow into.
I have been introduced to so many wonderful people in just my first couple months of being here and can't wait to see where our friendships grow.

I am rolling over my major goal of last year to this one
I want to continue to grow into the best version of myself
My heart stirs with possibilities
Knowing I can make a difference in my life by the attitudes I choose, the decisions I make.
It is a lot to take one, but one day at a time it can be done.

And having this fresh start is exactly the place to be to continue my journey.

One step

I am one step closer to
Chasing a dream
Living my life fully
Taking a risk
Chancing it all
Living it out...

I am one step closer to a new adventure today!

Happy October!

At a lost for words

Sometimes, I want what I have to say here to be profound, insightful, important.
I don't want to just ramble on and on, though sometimes that helps
Really, I am my own audience.
What I say here is because it is on my heart and mind
It needs to come out, so this is my little place to do so.

Well right now, I have either too much or nothing on my heart and mind.
I am pretty sure its the first of these two options
I can't seem to form a sentence, choose an idea or topic to write about.

There are a lot of things which are changing in these next few weeks.
Part of me is questioning if this is what God wants or what I want.
I want to feel God in my choices, decisions
I trust Him
But right now, I am being my own devils advocate.

I am stressed, worried, still feeling sad and hurt...
I am excited, overwhelmed, blessed and hopeful for what is to come.

I am basically a big ball of all kinds of emotions.
Not sure if I want to cry or laugh.
So I am just going to breathe and smile.
and probably binge eat on some halloween oreos

Worthwhile

I want that to be me!
credit*

"Either write something worth reading

or

do something worth writing about." 

-Benjamin Franklin

Yes and Yes, has once again got me thinking...

What am I doing that is worthwhile?
What am I doing today, that will make me proud next year?

What is the story I am telling, screaming to the world?

I know for many twenty-somethings, there are BIG dreams out there that seem too far out of reach. You are just wandering around trying to figure out who you are, where you want to be and what you should be doing. Comparing your life to someone who "has it all together", or a more glamorous life than you think you are living.

I want to live with intention. Treat people with love and respect. Constantly be adding to my resume of life, things that make me better. These are just a few questions I want to try to answer and live out differently.

Lots of changes are coming. I can feel the stirring of my heart, and I am beyond excited.

Ohh.. Why not!?

So I have a secret...
It might be weird, but I love to read and find new blogs
And a lot of the blogs I read, and find are Mommy Blogs.
I am no where near being a mommy
But I enjoy reading them nonetheless...

I found this little survey on one of my go-to blogs
She is beautiful, whimsical, her photography is superb
She is a fellow redhead, and her name is Katie
Maybe she is me in the future... no, no but she does seem like such a delight!


So here are some of the ABCs about Me:

A. Age: Officially, Twenty Five!
B. Bed size: Queen, and I try to take up the whole thing when I sleep
C. Chore that you hate: dishes, I absolutely loathe unloading the dishwasher
D. Dogs: I have never had a dog (insert sympathy noises here)
E. Essential start to your day: coffee with the morning weather report... though it never changes in AZ- hot, hotter, hottest
F. Favorite color: favorite color is green. but favorite color to wear is coral and turquoise
G. Gold or Silver: Silver is my go to metal, though the gold around my new diamond earrings is pretty!
H. Height: 5'4" on a good day
I. Instruments you play: I played the piano and clarinet when I was little- I wish I would have stuck with piano
J. Job title: Office administrative assistant
K. Kids: Don't have any at this time, but I can't wait to be a momma
L. Live: Middle of a Desert for five more weeks... then Sunny Southern Cali!
M. Mother’s name: Beverly Bee <3
N. Nicknames: so many nicknames Bug, Biffle, Bif, Katie, Poopie, Sister, K... the list could go on and on
O. Overnight hospital stays: I had to stay the night when I had an emergency appendectomy in February
P. Pet peeves: hmmm... people who don't use blinkers, the noise the bathroom fan makes, and people who always have to be right, or always correct people.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Bark twice if you are in Milwaukee", "Baxter, you know I don't speak spanish" "I love lamp." basically anything Anchorman, or "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her"- Notting Hill.
R. Right or left handed: righty tighty
S. Siblings: Sissy and Bubba, both older
U. Underwear: do I have too? 7 for $25 at VS pretty much rules except that they need to have more S on order
V. Vegetable you hate: raw broccoli is at the top of my 'Vegetables I hate to eat list'
W. What makes you run late: sleep usually or other people. I try really hard to always be on time!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: I have had MRIs on my head for headaches, on my abdomen for my appendix, and a quad accident I was in
Y. Yummy food that you make: I make some mean mac n cheese casserole, mahi mahi tacos, and burritos... or so I have been told!
Z. Zoo animal: I am not really an animal person... is that wrong?

Everyone remembers

Everyone remembers that morning.
No matter how many years will come and go
That morning, will always be like it was yesterday.

It has been 10 years
And I remember it like it was yesterday.

Everyone has a story, everyone has some kind of connection
Some people only reflect on this world altering event when September rolls around
Some people wake up everyday with its scars
Some people will never be the same because of it
No one is the same because of it...

This last week, with the ten year memorial coming people's stories are getting heard.
I want to remember, life is bigger than the small everyday inconveniences of life
These stories remind me to be grateful for life. remind me to be thankful for friends and family. and that the true small things matter

These are just a handful I came across, so many more voices to be heard.

So many amazing stories that come from such a tragedy.
Unmeasured Strength.

Story Corps- They would like to tell one story for every person lost in the 9/11 Terror Attacks.
Here are just a few of them:
John and Joe. 
She was the one.
Always a Family.

This is a moment in time, we will never forget. My kids will learn about this day and ask me where I was, and I will always remember...

A girls first love will always be her daddy...

In honor of my Papa's Birthday last Saturday
I wanted to make a list of the top 10 things he has taught me.

Because, well I love him, A LOT 
And I love making lists!
Score

Melissa Jill Photography

Top 10 Things My Daddy Taught Me:

10. Laugh at yourself. My dad is the best at this. He lets us make fun of the little things he does, but he can laugh at himself about it all too. My dad's laugh is infectious. Oh and he is probably the most ticklish person you will ever meet, and we have definitely had some fun times trying to corner him to tickle him! Or when he used to end his texts with ' Luv you big daddy'... he really meant 'Love you big, daddy' we had to talk about that one.  Or when I was having a meltdown at work and was crying about how selfless I was being, and dad couldn't keep a straight face so then we just laughed for a good hour together about that one.


9. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.  As a teenager I remember driving with my dad with Zig Zigler playing in his truck. Always some kind of motivation talk, some kind of words of wisdom; which as a kid I remember thinking it was so annoying. But I am so much like my dad, and I love that stuff now. He taught me that there is a bigger picture and you can't get so caught up in the small stuff and lose sight on what's really important.


8. You're never too old or busy for Cartoon movies. Or dad daughter dates. Or spending time with loved ones. I remember going on a dad daughter date to see the movie Robots in theaters. Robin Williams is the voice of the main robot. I remember being so excited to see a movie just Dad and I. We sat down next to this cute, lil toe head 6 year old boy with his buttery popcorn pack on his lap and blue slurpee covering his face. I sat next to the lil guy (His babysitter was next to him) and my dad sat on the other side of me. Literally, every time lil blue sticky face kid laughed at something, my dad was laughing at the same thing. They were like kindred spirits with each other.  I just remember that day so vividly because it was the day I learned you are never too old to be a kid and enjoy the simple things of life!

Marshmellow Guns we got for Christmas one year. We had a war. It was awesome.

7. Love with all your heart. I have never had to question my fathers love for me, or our family. Everything he does, he does with us in mind. He is not afraid to let his emotions show. He is the rock in our family. When things seem to be falling apart, he is there to pick up all the pieces. He loved me when I was going through my awful teenage girl phase (and still continues to when I revert back...) He loves us without condition. He loves all of us in our own way. He always protects. He always loves.

6. The difference is your choice. Anyone who has met my Dad knows he is different. He is a special kind of man, that I am so blessed to call my dad. I have learned that his reputation, his reaction, his happiness... they are all his choice. It isn't always easy to make the right decision. Its not easy to act with patience to someone who is constantly giving you attitude. He doesn't always wake up on the right side of the comfy bed. But he always CHOOSES to be better. He always chooses to have a good attitude. He always choose to put others before him and have a servant heart. This is definitely where my dad and I differ. This is just plain hard for me, but it is something I strive to do and wish I was more like my dad in this area.

5. Exercise is really important. My dad is a stud. I mean, he can do as many pushups as he is old! And lets just say, he can get a discount for an early bird special! He hikes South Mountain everyday, works outside to tear down palm trees- by himself. He has taught me that you have to take care of your body. And that exercise is important because I think it helps him with #6. He lets out the very little steam he has, and can clear his mind. And let just be honest, he looks good!

4. Work Hard. Play Hard. This kind of correlates with the last one. My dad has the most amazing work ethic ever. He works HARD everyday. Whether he is in the office, or outside pulling weeds around the shop. He does. not. stop. when he gets an idea or a task started. But he knows how to have fun. He does what he likes to do. He has a healthy balance of hard work and fun. I think he needs to have a little more fun though!

Proud Papa

3. Compassion, Honesty, Forgiveness. I have been hearing this one for years. If you have a problem with someone you need to a. go to them with compassion b. you need to be as honest as you possible can be c. you need to be willing to forgive. If you can't do all three of these you are not going to be able to get passed what is going on. You have to have all three parts. Once you do, you can talk to the person and be done with it. I have used this more times than I would admit, and it really does work! I think this is one of the reasons so many people respect my dad.

2. I am Beeeeautiful. I work for my dad, and everyday he tells me how pretty I look. Everyday. And I know he isn't just saying it either, well sometimes he might but he doesn't have too, but he always does. Growing up we had this little saying, he told me "Bug, if a guy ever tells you 'You are Beautiful' tell him... 'My daddy tells me that everyday, tell me something I don't already know!'" This kind of confidence is so important to a young girl growing up, especially through the awkward years, I don't think I knew how much it has impacted my life until now. I am so grateful my dad has always made me feel beautiful.  

Honorary mention:I am not spoiled. I am well taken care of. My dad takes care of us.

1. Love the one you are with.  gosh I can't even write this one without tears welling up in my eyes. My dad has always had one piece of advice for newly weds or young families: The best thing you can do for your family and your kids is to love their mother. There is NO question my dad loves my mom more everyday. He chooses to love her, but it is easy for him. The way he looks at her, slow dances with her in the kitchen all. the. time. He is her rock. Her lover. Her best friend. The love they have is rare, beautiful and on fire. I have been given the BEST example of the kind of love I desire and deserve. My dad has always put my mother on a pedestal. It is the most beautiful kind of love I can imagine.

Mother's Day 2008

There are tons of other things my dad has taught me: like how to drive, patience, dancing father daughter dances with me at recitals, etc. But these are just a few of the important lessons that I have taken from him and will always cherish. I love my dad so much.

I know I am extremely blessed to have a father like I do. I don't know how I got so lucky but I thank God every time I think of him!

Happy Birthday Papa! Love you Big, Daddy!

Falling

I always fall for ideas
I get sucked up into what it could be
instead of what is right in front of me
instead of what it truly is.

Have you ever come up with an idea of a dress you want?
You build it in your mind, and you go looking for it and can't find it anywhere..
I am pretty sure that happens to me every birthday.

Or have an idea of what your dream job is?
Then you search and search for it, and it is nothing like you imagined.

Worst yet, have you ever had an idea of what your life would be like at a certain time of your life?
And then you get to that time, and life is nothing like what you had hoped for or dreamed of.
You created this idea, that can't really be reached.

Maybe this is all because we think we have more control than we do
Its because its so hard to Trust God's plan since you don't know what it is
These ideas are better than what you are living right now
They seem more fulfilling

I wish the idea of something was harder to fall for
and easier to let go of. 

Heart Matters

Sometimes, it is so hard to follow your heart
especially when it feels like its hurting,
or going against what your heart really wants 
But this is when you have to trust the Lord

Lord, I am trusting in your plan. 
Your plan is bigger than I can imagine. 
I trust that You want only good for me. 

His plans are better, more beautiful, stronger, more fulfilling
than any plan I could ever try to pull together. ever ever.

Sometimes that great love story you were trying to create
is really one of those straight to DVD stories
because you were trying to produce it, direct it, edit it, do the costuming and picking the actors in your story.

It doesn't work that way.
I am not in control of this part of my story.
I am learning to truly Trust the Lord's plan for my heart matters...

I have been reading a new book, Classic Christianity by Bob George,
and to be honest, at first my heart was not open to it
it felt too preachy, boastful and a little too macho...
but that is probably how I was reading it.
Earlier this week, I needed some place to feel God
I picked up the book...

I needed the Lord to speak to my heart. I needed my heart to be open to the message.

And the words on the pages began to pop out to me. 
Grace. Beloved. Alive. Mercy. Love. Trust Forgiven. 
over. and over. and over again. 

I am the Lord's beloved. 
He chooses me, everytime.
Trust the Lord. really, really trust Him.
He is jealous for me. for ME- even with my sinful nature, being spiritually dead, the mistakes I make on the daily.  
He, Creator of all things, is jealous for me...
His mercy and grace are an ocean.
He loves me, always.
He wants to be my main squeeze.

He has forgiven me for the mistakes I can't forgive myself for. and tells me I need to forgive myself, that is no way to live.
He loves me even the parts that I don't think anyone else could love. And if a person can't love those things about me, then they don't deserve to try to love me.
He has made me alive. and He wants me to live a life through Him. which is more satisfying than I can imagine.


Its hard to even try to comprehend, in the smallest amount, how vast God's love is for me, you, us.
Let alone accept his unfaltering, undeserving, unconditional love
Its hard to believe His consistent desire for me to be near Him
His incredibly warm embrace.

But, I am here.
I know I can be loved, because I am His Beloved.

i am my beloved's 
and his desire is for 
me. 
song of solomon 7:10 *
 

Prayer for the day: Creator of all things beautiful and complicated. I pray I can trust in Your master plan. I will let go of my need to control and my thinking I can do it better. I pray I can always accept Your love, without question because You never question Your love for me.

*Thanks Carley.

"The secret of Happiness is freedom,and the secret of freedom, courage"- Thucydides

Happiness. its a choice.
Why is it so hard to choose sometimes?

It means waking up every morning
with a grateful heart, choosing to have a happy attitude
There are so many little things that can chip away at that choice

I am the first to admit, I do not always make the right choice
When it comes to my attitude, tone, willingness
I don't like not having a routine, or not following procedure
I like things the right way- usually my way

But I want to choose to have a better attitude
I want to choose to be helpful not stubborn
I want to choose to be flexible not stuck
I want to always choose happiness even when I really want to shove happiness where it don't shine somedays

I am just itching for something different
Life seems to just be in repeat
Day after Day being the same

There is a lesson in this season of life, I know it
But right now
I will have to make the choice to be happy not content

My: Inspiration, To Do, Try New Things, List just to have a list: List

Credit:Credit

This list is something I made awhile ago. I love lists. I make lists to make lists. These are all different kinds of things. Some of them I might not cross off, but I want to try to always be a better version of myself. I want to continually learn from others. I want to try new things. And sometimes you need some encouragement along the way. 

• Find blogs, magazines, books that inspire my creativity- write about it, journal, make me time 
• DIY: make distressed picture frames for a wall piece behind my bed (I have all the frames and paint, just waiting for a free weekend to start my adventure!)
• go antique & vintage scavenging 
• travel to a new city : Baker City, OR 
• DIY: go take pictures of objects around a city, make a collage of pictures that spell out a word
• apply to at least 20 jobs a month until I move to San Diego 
• read books, magazines, blogs on topics that interest me :
• Love, Marketing, God, Friendship, Fashion, Food, Makeup, Writing, Living Life, Traveling, Dreams, Blogging 
• Look into what a "Life Coach" is 
• Never Settle. Believe in yourself 
• Encourage others 
• Email at least one blogger who inspires me and be their friend 
• Find a mentor  (I was lucky to find a mentor on the internet through a blog I read!)
• "Be a Friend to have a Friend"
• Volunteer 
• send out cards- weekly to friends 
• Discover and explore things I am passionate about 
• Breast cancer research, loving others... 
• spend more time with kids (to be more patient and creative) 
• Continue to be creative. Use my imagination. 
• Be Spontaneous
• Try something new 
• Do not plane for two weeks 
• Take a staycation for a weekend - Talking Stick Resort with the Girls for Jenna's grad school celebration 
• Start a new blog- find a focus for something that will help people 
• Don't be my worst enemy or critic 
• Believe in yourself! 
• Love myself. and others. 
• Visit Seattle 
• Write More <3
• Find a mantra 
• "Find your purpose and fling your life out to it. Find a way or make one. Try with all your might. Self-made or never made." Oliver Swett Marden : I'm loving this one right now.
• Make a paiting for my apartment 
• Color outside the box- Don't limit myself with boundaries
• Do a DIY project for less than $10
• Make myself at least one throw pillow 
• Learn how to sew 
• Learn graphic design basics 
• Try not to follow a routine 
• Decorate with simple things 
• Have an old movie marathon:
• Casa Blanca 
• Gone with the wind 
• Breakfast at Tiffanys, etc... 
• Find a friend to help do things on the list 
• Help a friend create their own list (Nicole, I know you love lists!)
• Go thrifting more often 
• Create a new tradition 
• Practice Yoga 
• Discover a way to be less stressed 
• Send a friend a card with my favorite memory of "us" in it 
• Make my own cards 
• Do a grocery trip and save more than I spend (raspberries and blackberries were on sale, saved 15.04, spend 8.31!)
• Create something which makes people feel good 
• Be open minded 
• Be happy to help 
• Get a lot of sleep 
• Do career interviews 
• Marketer
• Life Coach 
• Enterprenauer 
• Buy "Love & Sequins"- How to be a love letter to the world 
• Stop Talking. Start Doing. 
• Host a party, make it really pretty and yummy 
• Be an observer 
• Slow. Down. 
• Breathe. Be Patient 
• Make a difference. be ok when it doesn't happen right away 
• Dream Big. No idea is too small 
• Don't set unachievable goals with unrealistic deadlines- All in Good Time 
• Move to San Diego: ETA October 
• No Limits
• Find a friend to be creative with (Carley Maier, Priscilla Sanchez, Amanda McMillan... I'm talking to you!) 
• Forge my own path
• "Know who you are, to be who you are."
• "If Nothing changes, nothing changes."

Well, I guess its time for me to get to work!

Its not true until you put it on facebook...

I guess if I am really going to do this, I need to say it out loud.

I AM MOVING TO SAN DIEGO! 
 I already put it on facebook, but this is the next step... 
Yup, you read that right. I am making it happen, finally. 
I don't have everything figured out,
but I know it will all fall into place.
I trust that the Lord will provide in the journey
He will place people, opportunities, communities and direction.

I am really excited for this new adventure
though, there are a ton of things that could keep me from going
I need to do this.

It could be a stepping stone
maybe even a short term adventure
Whatever it is, I hope you follow me along the way.

xo

Body Image

When I was younger my Dad had a little saying...

He would tell me 'I was beautiful', and he would say

"If a boy ever tells you, 'you're beautiful' look at him and say,
 'My daddy tells me that every day, tell me something I don't already know!'"

 

I remember when I was little, I knew I was 'fuller' than my friends  

I had a bigger butt
My legs were never as small
I had an hourglass figure at the age of 8
I mean I had bangs that made me look like I had a mullet
Yes Marisa, I admit it...
I was just bigger...

But it didn't seem to matter then

I loved spending time with my friends

all the different sizes we were

I noticed our differences

But I didn't compare them

or think someone else's feature were superior over the other.

Now I notice and compare

I think about how I wish I had

Those legs

That butt

Smaller hips

Bigger boobs...

When do our issues with body image begin?

Why do they start? Who puts its in our heads?
Media, society, friends, parents, parents friends, something internal?
This sounds like something I would have discussed in my gender communications class or a topic for a sociology paper...

Don't get me wrong...

Its not a constant thing,

and for the most part,

I am happy with my body

But sometimes, dissatisfaction boils up  

Confidence, self esteem those things are taught

My parents have done a wonderful job of that.
But, I can't help but compare, knit pick, dream
about what my idea of the perfect body is...

Its tough being a girl
You go to the gym,
to be better
to feel better
to live better
but then you go home and eat chocolate because
that girl has better...
legs
butt
arms
stomach
gym clothes!

I don't know why this has been on my heart the last few days
I have been making better choices
I should feel like my efforts are helping, not making it worse
There is a chance its because the other night I jiggled when I know I shouldn't have
 (my butt jiggled when I was brushing my teeth, I know that is not supposed to be a full body exercise!!!!)
or
It might have to do with the bathing suit shopping via victoriasecret dot com

be careful... going to that website has side effects that include and are not limited too 

eating a whole bag of milk chocolate covered toffee popcorn from trader joes... enough said.

But it seems to be a hot topic, especially in the last few days with other blogs I read
One inparticular, yes and yes 
The other day there was a guest post  that resonated with me
I had been particularly hard on myself that day
About all my perfect imperfections

And what I learned was...

When my confidence isn't at its normal level

When I am feeling especially bad about a certain area of my body

I want to remember to appreciate it

Anyone could be someone's idea of 'perfect'

even me...

I may not have the best legs

but my legs get me out of bed everyday, dance the night away with my friends, hike camelback with my best friend.

I may not have perfectly toned arms

but my arms let me hug my family, friends and pick up my niece, they allow me serve others and explore life.

I may not have the most rockin' body

but my body is capable, its beautiful, its mine.

It might not be, or ever be like the Victoria Secret Models

but I want to appreciate my body.

Even on the days I have trouble with my body image

I want to appreciate it for what it is!

48. Sooo you're telling me, I'm not gonna die from this?

One reason I say that heartbreak is not contagious is because
I thought it was at one point...
When I was heartbroken,
So were three of my other friends.

It was almost like there was a Summertime conspiracy between our then boyfriends
All of us had our hearts broken within three weeks of each other
Ranging from one year- four years of togetherdom.
At the time, I thought maybe it was contagious.

Its not.

Also, contrary to popular belief
It doesn't kill ya... Like that saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Its funny when those types of sayings prove to be true

It gets better.
It doesn't hurt for as long as you thought it would
There are even times that you see the light at the end of the tunnel
Then you find someone worth being better for again
There is a reason for all the pain
So you appreciate Love more than you did before

It all depends what you do with the experience.
Are you going to let it bring you down and defeat you?
Or are you going to tell yourself,
This is an opportunity to be better?
This is a chance to live the life you have always wanted?

It hurts. Its not fun.
But its not contagious. Or a terminal illness.

And then, it doesn't hurt. And life is fun again.

Fear has no place in Our Hearts

Three Years...
Three years ago, our world was turned upside down.

I remember my parents calling my sister and I
Asking us to come over to their house, which normally wouldn't be a big deal
But it was after they were supposed to get the results
They asked both of us to leave work
I knew, what I had prayed for- didn't happen

We walked through the door
Mom and Dad sitting on the edge of the couch,
They stood up to hug us
Which normally wouldn't be a big deal
But there was something different
Everything felt much more delicate

There are just a few words that actually make it through my sobs.
Positive.
Maligant.
We will fight this.
Tears. Tears. Tears. and more Tears.
Breast Cancer.
Tears. Tears. Tears. and more Tears.
Fear has no place in our Hearts.
The Lord is working through us
Tears. Tears. Tears. and more Tears.

That moment, everything surged into perspective.
I remember calling my girlfriend Karalyn
I didn't have to say more than
I need to get my tattoo now
She knew exactly what I meant.
*I never did get the tattoo, granting Momma's wishes*

At that moment, I knew everything was about to change
My Momma and I would just sit on the couch and cry together
We researched. She researched. I cried.
When there is a threat to take away your best friend
There is no much more I could do but cry, and pray.

This experience, I would never wish upon any family
But the saddness is, it affects almost every family in some way
Our family chose to be better because of it
My mom sent out encouraging emails
Tracking her progress, with a sense of ease, strength and confidence
She was still our rock.

Fear has no place in our Hearts.

I became an emergency contact on my Momma's medical records
My dad was there, every.step.of.the.way.
He took her shopping for wigs.
Shaved her cute little cue ball head
Held her. Held all of us.
We went to every chemo treatment
He went to every doctors appointment.

This diagnosis brought our family closer together
And we were close before it happened
There was a reason that our family was going through this
And we were not going to let it be another bad statistic
.
I decided to walk in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day
You walk "60" miles in 3 days
Side note: technically the trail is about 20 miles a day, but you literally walk from 5 am Friday morning to 5 pm Sunday- so it adds up to being more than 60 miles.
I asked my friend Karalyn if she wanted to join
The next day she showed up with her tennis shoes on
and my very own pink camelbak
I knew we were doing this

Soon, my brother joined in
and then my dad
and then, my mom...
She didn't want to feel left out

So two weeks after finishing her last chemo
After having a double mastectomy, months prior
Our family walked over 60 miles in honor of the fight our Momma was fighting
It was definitely one of those experiences in life you don't forget

Sleeping in pink tents
Walking. Walking. and more Walking.
Hearing every word for "boob"- and its not weird or inappropriate
People cheering you on.
Tears. Happy Tears. Sad Tears.
Feeling accomplished to walk every step, next to Our Survivor.

Friends there to cheer us along

"I'm a Boob Man"- thats what his sign said

We Made It! The whole way!

We did the walk in San Diego. Figured if we are walking 60 miles, we might as well get a vacation from it!

Our Sign on our Tent to Thank all the people who donated!

The last years have come and gone
Most of the time, I don't think back on that time
I know it happened, but its gone
Fear has no place in our Hearts.

Thank you Momma for your fight
Thank you Jesus for letting us keep her here with us.
She needs to be here. for a very long time. please!
LYB, Bif. <3

49. Sweet Memories



First picture I took with my new camera!

 Make lots of memories.
Sounds easy enough
But so many times, we just go through our days
normal, ordinary, not thinking about making memores
just hoping to remember them at another time

This last year I have tried to make a point of capturing and making memories
A few things I have done to achieve this are:
-Bought a new camera, a fresh start with something fun
-I write down my days (most days) on my calendar
-Blogging, its helped a lot

Trying something new

Let me explain...
Obviously, you know that a camera captures memories
But I try to not only capture memories of nights out on the town, birthdays, or holidays
I bring my camera out, for just a simple dinner with a best friend
Laying around with my niece
The normal ins and outs of the day, because those memories are the ones that we quickly lose.
I don't want to lose any of the time I spend

On my wall calendar, I just write simple notes to myself
Monday: Kickboxing, Power Sculpt, cooked dinner
Tuesday: BodyPump (ouch!), cooked dinner, skyped with so and so
Wednesday: Dinner with mom and Dad
Etc... (mostly boring stuff)
But I can look back at my calendar from last year
and remember things I wouldn't be able if I hadn't wrote that memory down.




The Original Bug and Lily Bug


Blogging, obviously, is another source to look back on
It seems like with memory, you have to have some kind of record to retain it
Whether it be pictures, notes, or a specific event, situation that sticks out in your mind.
Writing down memories, even small ones helps keep them fresh in your mind.




Vegas during Christmas


There are other things you can do
Make themed nights to go out with friends, for no particular reason
Do something you've never done before
Create a new tradition
Staycations are always a good idea

I want to remember as much of my life as I can
I hope that I can create memories that I can always look back on
Sweet, sweet memories...

Now lets go out and make some memories

Suns Game with Jenna

50. I can write my feelings, does that count?

I grew up in the AIM generation
AOL Instant Messenger- in case you didn't know!
Remember that noise when you'd receive a message...
It was addicting to say the least

I loved staying up late, really really late
Talking to friends- people I went to school with, met at church camp, went to church with etc...
We would get on right after school and stay on late into the evening
Maybe this is where it all began...

I wrote a post not too long ago about communication
It has always been easier for me to write out my feelings
Rather than talk about them

I default to text. My reason- I am a little needy when it comes to communication (Thanks Momma!) I want to know whats going on with friends and family. And texting, keeps me connected to people all day long. Its easier and more convenient.
I love to send&receive cards. My reason- it is so much fun to open the mail and have a card there for you, someone took their time to write out how they feel about you, something they want you to know. and you can go back and look at it when you need a reminder or some encouragement. It fills my cup up..
I prefer email. My reason- you can be as short and sweet, or long and detailed as you need. It is convenient for the sender and receiver. You have something to reference, and look back on.
My journal&blog are an escape. My reason- everyone needs a little me time. When I am stressed, bored, anxious, happy, sad- I spend my time working out, shopping or writing. But I always feel the most relief when I write. I am able to be completely honest. Again, I can refer back to a certain time and see how I was feeling.

Writing out my feelings has been a really wonderful way to cope with all the different seasons in my life.
It has allowed me to be honest, to be real, and raw with myself, which is the hardest thing to do
I think writing is a tool that is going to help me continue the process of being the best version of myself
But I am going to work on my verbal communication as well, because I know that is really important too!

When I was younger I loved to write poetry, and songs
I always thought I could be a singer/song writer
Until I realized I am a horrible singer, like shouldn't be allowed into karaoke bars to even watch because I might get the urge (after a few adult beverages) and it would just be bad
So I stuck with dancing, which involved music anyways

I am not one of those, Music is my life, kind of people
But music allows me to be creative
It drives me to focus, and sometimes it says everything I can't

Music seems to have all the answers
Is tonight going to be a good night? Black Eyed Peas say Yes!
Should I go to the gym? Soulja Boy says Work it Out!
Who do you think you are? Sara B says, You ain't the King of Anything!
(You get the point...)
Music is like a magic 8 ball, always has some answer for you

Through the different seasons of life
I have learned that writing and music allow me to express myself, fully
Now wouldn't it be nice to have a soundtrack and memoir to your life...

51. Time to cry...

Have you ever had a moment, when you realize... you are turning into your mom?
The other day I was pulling out bread options for lunch
Pita bread, sandwich thins, wraps, regular bread
Then there had to be options for what you put on your sandwich
And I just thought, "Lord, I am my mother."

In my case, its a wonderful thing.
There is no one I would rather be, than my mother
She is the strongest person I have ever met
She is beautiful, witty, compassionate, generous, intelligent, nuturing, God-fearing, loving beyond belief
She is caring, funny, open hearted and minded, protective, joyful
My list could go on and on

There are a lot of little characteristics I notice (daily) that come from my momma
One of those things, is my crying place
Growing up, when I didn't feel good, mom let me shower
It has always made me feel better
Even now when I don't feel well, I am stressed, I am overwhelmed, or I need a good cry- just to name a few
You can find me in the shower.

I didn't find out until much later,
That my momma did this too.
I never really saw my mom cry when I was younger
She was always the strong one,
Not until she was diagnosed, did she let us be the strong ones for her
Which was still hard for her

But it is the number one place to cry
Because when you get out,
You don't know if you are wiping away tears or just water from the shower
No one has to know that's what you were doing
It gives you alone time with your thoughts

This is why I think the shower is the number one place to cry
Thanks for sharing it with me, Momma<3

Confessions of a Single Girl

Confessions of a Single Girl: If you know a great photographer, who is willing to go out and get some practice, take them up on it! Girls just want to have fun! Get dressed up! Curl your hair! Put on fun makeup! Go out and be creative! It is good for the spirit, I promise! 

When you have a very talented sister, who is a photographer,
sometimes you just want to have fun together!

My sister entertained my idea for another little photo shoot,
Last year we took photos for my graduation
This year we took them for fun-
Maybe just for some proof of progression of the last year...

*All of these photo's are copyrighted by Heather Rae Photography!* 

 

 

Need your pictures taken? You should contact my sister!