San Diego

San Diego

You have given me so much.
Happiness
Adventure
Love
Challenges
Exploration
Fun
Life

But sometimes... I miss when you were my escape.

Cobwebs

If the internet could have cobwebs, this little place of mine would be full of them.
This teeny, tiny, little space, that I can call mine has been neglected this last year.
Maybe it's because I am more prone to write when my heart is heavy.
Or because there has been so much adventure.
I couldn't give it justice with my words.
I guess tonight is a mixture of both.

All I know is, it is almost midnight.
I can't sleep.
The glow of my Christmas tree is the only thing bright during the dark night.
And still nothing seems to come out the way I want it too.

So, as I try to brush away some of the cobwebs here
Let's get a recap of 2012, shall we... 

It has been a full year since I moved to San Diego.
It is everything I hoped it would be.
And I am praying it continues to surprise me.

I have a wonderful job.
I know the Lord had everything to do with placing me there.
The environment I work in is full of encouragement, support and love.
It is a great place to be a part of.
The Lord knew I needed it, and I think it needed me too.

I met a wonderful man only a few short weeks after being here. 
He stole my heart the day I met him.
I haven't bothered trying to get it back yet. 
It has been a roller coaster adventure ever since.
Our story is one for the ages.
There is no doubt our paths crossed for a reason.

Life seemed to fall together once I got here.
It is amazing what risk, adventure and life all have in common.
For me, it is a dream. A longing for something more.

This last year I think I have been learning a lot about myself.
It has been lonely at times.
A little harder to make friends (outside of work) than I thought it would be.
But as this new year is chugging full speed ahead
The itch to make lists, promises, resolution begins to burn
I will take all the things I have learned this year
And only make me better.

Hopefully there will be a lot more adventure, friends, love and happiness in all our days.
And a lot less cobwebs in this little place.

xo

The Sweetest of sweets.

This just warms my heart.
There are no limits to the human spirit.
No limits to our abilities to express ourselves through dance.
This is the sweetest of sweets.

Whatever it takes...

I know it has been awhile since I have written on here.
Excuses are excuses.
I just haven't felt the urge to write.
Even now, I want to pour words onto the page but nothing seems to be there.

Here is my attempt at an update of life right now.
I am living and loving San Diego.
I had an interview earlier this week, it went really well.
It wasn't a dream job, but it was something so I could be working again.
I did really well at the interview, and I left thinking 'Well maybe that will work...'

I had been praying a lot about it.
Talking to friends and family, having them pray for answers for me as well. 
I moved to San Diego for a change.
For a challenge.

Was it God providing me with an opportunity?
Or was it me just taking the first thing that came in front of me?
Was the Lord leading my steps?
Or was I running ahead of his plan with impatience?
Was this a job that would help me in my goals?
Or would this just be some place til something better came along?
Would it be morally right to take the job knowing I want more?
Or is any other place going to call?

Well after the interview, I got a call-
They wanted me to go forward with the process to give me an offer
I was happy it went in my favor, but still felt uncertain about it.
Was I trusting the Lord? Really leaning on Him and giving it up to Him?
 
The next day, I got another call.
They chose to go with another candidate.
I knew it was God.
It was a blessing, because it really wasn't something I wanted.
It was a blessing to be considered.
But it was a blessing to be rejected.

I am not gonna lie, as much as I didn't want the job
I didn't want them to make the decision.
The rejection kind of stung a little bit.
And then panic set in...
Am I going to find a job?
Why did it happen this way?
Couldn't I have been the one to say no, I am not interested?

And I prayed.
Prayed for understanding, patience, guidance.

The moral of this story, if there is one...
I am praising Jesus, I wasn't offered that job.
It would have been easy.
It would have been fine.
But I didn't come here for easy and fine.
I want to serve and be a part of something bigger than myself.
I know the Lord has me.
I know He will take care of this situation, I just need to lean on Him.

I wrote this prayer the other night, and it is going to be my prayer for awhile...

Lord, 

I know the plans you have for me, and I trust You. 
I feel them working in my life already. 
I know it is for You and You alone. 
Lord, whatever it takes, let me be close to You. 
Let your heart dwell in mine, and what Your will is, over power any of my own desires and wants.
Lord, help me discover my gifts. 
Help me explore my purpose. 
Put people in my life, who will invest in me and shine Your light in my life.
God, I feel you moving mountains all around me.
I pray I continue to seek Your will, and Love in all that I do. 
Father God, I trust You and You alone. 
Thank You for Your never ending Grace in my messy life. 
Thank You for making my life beautiful and worthy through Your Love. 
Lord, whatever it takes, make me close to you. 
xo 


I pray even in trials, during the hard times- I praise the Lord for the good He is doing in my life.
I pray even in easy times, happiness in life- I praise the Lord for the good He is doing in my life.
I pray even in rejection- I praise the Lord for the opportunities He is opening and closing in my life.


Whatever it takes, make me close to you Lord.

Making It Happen

I did it!
I am finally here.
After years of dreaming about it
Months talking about it
Miles to get here
I am.

I am finally living one of my dreams
This is my new town

It has been really hard for me to put any of my thoughts into words these last few days 

I was anxious, scared, excited, happy, adventurous, nervous, proud, sad all in one jumbled mess 

This is going to be good. 

I may take some wrong turns, but each one is a new opportunity 

I will make new friends, a new life while still holding on to the experiences and people who have gotten me where I am 

I have a new perspective, awareness and spark

I am really excited where this decision is going to lead 

This could be a just a pit stop in my journey 

Who knows how long I will be here before moving on 

But I am going to take it all in and enjoy every second of it! 

I am a San Diegan now

How would you live differently?

Credit

How would you live differently?

November, November

Happy November!
I can not believe it is already November, where oh where does all the time go?
A lot of things are changing this month.
I am a mixed bag of emotions
It won't always be easy but it is something good for me.
I am really excited, and hope to write a lot more about it.

Happy November!
Its a month of thankfulness
And I am thankful for you!



on a side note: Read this story today on MSN.com and my heart swelled with love. Such redemption and goodness out of something that once was so dark and hurtful.

One Year

In one year
babies change so much.

They go from sleeping, pooping and eating all the time
to crawling everywhere, whining when you hold them and aren't their momma, pooping but almost like real poop, eating lots but its not as easy as when they were little.
They get teeth, their hair grows, they smile.
They can pick out their toys, they know what they want, and are continually changing
I think most of their growth and changes has to happen in the first few years

Lily is one year old today!

I wrote this last year the day she was born:
"My niece was born today. The adventure is about to begin. I can not imagine life without her here!
It is an amazing feeling. I had no idea your heart could explode from love.
That you could be so filled with joy, love, hope, fear, excitement, worry with one sight of that little bundle of perfection.
She is perfect. absolutely. not denying it. perfection.
The love I have for her is undeniable. strong. pure. big. true. unconditional. LOVE.
God, thank you for this precious gift in my life. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to love someone this special. Thank you for putting Lily in our lives, but especially my life. The hole that I had in my heart, was instantly filled with the love I carry for her. I love this little one more than life itself already... "

It feels like she has always been with us
I really didn't know you could love someone so much, so unconditionally, so quickly.
I love that little nugget more than I can explain
So proud to be her aunt!

Lily and I last thanksgiving

Pretty Moment

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”



-Helen Keller


Well, this weekend I gained two new roommates
Or maybe, two roommates gained a third!
Either way, I moved back in with my parents.
If it wasn't so temporary, I would really need to reflect on my life
I wouldn't have ever thought I would be 25 and living with my parents
but I am. And I couldn't be happier.
I am really looking forward to this time with them.
I am moving to San Diego in a mere 5 weeks.
It is going to fly by, we are all really busy
Life doesn't stop when things are going to change
But, we are going to soak it all up.

But this weekend, we moved me out then moved me in.
We had family dinner, watched football, walked through house plans and cleaned closets.
I get most of my best characteristics from my Momma
One being she holds onto everything!
Remember my hoarder post from last week
Well, she is a tad bit of an emotional hoarder (Like we ALL are!)
But we came across a stack of my high school graduation cards.
I told her I would go through them and pick the ones out that I wanted to keep.

My process for this is:
If the giver of the card is close to my heart, no longer living, or someone very important in my life I will keep the card.
If they are not, I cherish the kindness, say a thank you and send that paper to the recycling bin.
I usually just take a quick glance and the bottom of the card to see the signed name to make quick decisions

I had been going through about 50 cards
Separating them like a pro (USPS I am looking for a job if you need a sorter!)
When I stop dead in my track...
What?! How could this be!? Who is this? what?!
I recieved a card, for my high school graduation from...
HELEN KELLER!
Then the giggles pursued...
You see, when I have a ditzy moment my brother always pets my head and says "You're so pretty"
This was definitely one of those!

My favorite kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Sexton had written that Helen Keller quote in my card, at the bottom, in the spot people usually sign their cards!
So no, it wasn't Helen Keller who gifted me with the sweetness!
But, someone equally as special and inspirational in my life.

And yes, I kept that card!

At a lost for words

Sometimes, I want what I have to say here to be profound, insightful, important.
I don't want to just ramble on and on, though sometimes that helps
Really, I am my own audience.
What I say here is because it is on my heart and mind
It needs to come out, so this is my little place to do so.

Well right now, I have either too much or nothing on my heart and mind.
I am pretty sure its the first of these two options
I can't seem to form a sentence, choose an idea or topic to write about.

There are a lot of things which are changing in these next few weeks.
Part of me is questioning if this is what God wants or what I want.
I want to feel God in my choices, decisions
I trust Him
But right now, I am being my own devils advocate.

I am stressed, worried, still feeling sad and hurt...
I am excited, overwhelmed, blessed and hopeful for what is to come.

I am basically a big ball of all kinds of emotions.
Not sure if I want to cry or laugh.
So I am just going to breathe and smile.
and probably binge eat on some halloween oreos

What do you hoard?

Eeeep! Well, this week has been beyond crazy for me. With my move getting closer and closer (27 days, if someone were to be counting) my time seems to be stretched in a million different directions. I really wish I could add more hours and days to these next few weeks. Try to soak them all up, get everything done, and spend time with all those near and dear.

But I am trying to use it wisely. I have been able to get together with an array of different friends these last few weeks for dinners, coffee dates, froyo catch up sessions, which has filled my heart up. I realize when I move, I will not have old friends from high school to just go catch up with. Or friends from college to dream with. I don't want to take for granted these next few weeks I have with those people in my life.

I move out of my apartment next weekend, which is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I love my little place. It has been the first apartment that has felt like a home to me, and its been my home. It also, could be the last time I ever live by myself.  I truly value the alone time and my own space which makes it even harder to think I will be losing that.

I used this analogy about packing up my apartment with my best friend last night, I feel like I am writing a paper. I know when it is due, and I can either wait until the last minute and stress out to get it done, or take my time weeks before so it is ready when its due. Well, I took the first approach to cleaning out my apartment and I am feeling really overwhelmed by it all. I know it will all get done by next week because it has to but it just is a lot to take on.

It got me thinking, do we all have a little hoarder inside of us? Thankfully most of us can control it and manage it. I couldn't imagine the feelings of someone who truly struggles with being a Hoarder.  Which seriously breaks my heart. I spent hours cleaning out the boxes that were under my bed. It felt pointless because at first glance nothing had changed. I don't even see those boxes on a monthly basis basically I moved them from one apartment to the next for the last six years, yet they were full of years and years of my life, in 8 menacing boxes. 

It was the sentimental stuff, so here came the long walk down memory lane. What are you supposed to do with all the cards, pictures and knick knacks you've collected throughout the years? Do they really hold any significant value other than providing nostalgia later on in life? Do you take those boxes full of your yester years with you from place to place adding to them at each new home, friend, significant other? Do you carry your past around covered in dust because you never look back at it, but you want it there in case you want too?

I decided, no... there isn't any value to them. I am guilty of spending too much time thinking back. I don't really need all these little reminders to actually look back through it all. So I decided, it needed to go. It wasn't coming with me on this next adventure in life. Only the necessities, only the things and people who really matter can come along on this journey. So, I took the approach that if it wasn't someone I care deeply about and still see in my life it wasn't getting a special spot under my dreaming place. I spent my time, going through each card some dating back to 2001, looking through each picture, trying to remember where this or that knick knack came from. I did find a little red lady bug my Nanny painted for me. and it made it into my box.

The end result: while I hung out with the New Girl, got a little Revenge, got caught up on current events, then complained with Frank and Marie  and reminisced over a beer with Charlie, I condensed my 8 different boxes under my bed to just one box! And it feels good. Real good.  I felt guilty for getting rid of things people wrote me, memories of that random french fry picture that was so important at the time but now I have no idea why I would take a picture of it, or that teddy bear I had to hold on to but now I can't remember who gave it to be. Ok I didn't really feel bad getting rid of those disposable pictures that meant nothing and I had to have doubles of as a kid. 

I had to get rid of the old clutter, to let the new clutter in! It really is a never ending cycle, and I am sure I will do this more times than I care to know in the rest of my life. But, I am happy with the one box I kept that has pictures from my childhood, the few knick knacks I couldn't let go of, Mom, I save my D.A.R.E. certificate from 6th grade for you, my favorite ballerina book from when I started dance. I kept the things that really meant something to me, I am giving myself one box of my past to drag around with me, because I have boxes and boxes of memories stored up in my heart that really matter.

Worthwhile

I want that to be me!
credit*

"Either write something worth reading

or

do something worth writing about." 

-Benjamin Franklin

Yes and Yes, has once again got me thinking...

What am I doing that is worthwhile?
What am I doing today, that will make me proud next year?

What is the story I am telling, screaming to the world?

I know for many twenty-somethings, there are BIG dreams out there that seem too far out of reach. You are just wandering around trying to figure out who you are, where you want to be and what you should be doing. Comparing your life to someone who "has it all together", or a more glamorous life than you think you are living.

I want to live with intention. Treat people with love and respect. Constantly be adding to my resume of life, things that make me better. These are just a few questions I want to try to answer and live out differently.

Lots of changes are coming. I can feel the stirring of my heart, and I am beyond excited.

Ohh.. Why not!?

So I have a secret...
It might be weird, but I love to read and find new blogs
And a lot of the blogs I read, and find are Mommy Blogs.
I am no where near being a mommy
But I enjoy reading them nonetheless...

I found this little survey on one of my go-to blogs
She is beautiful, whimsical, her photography is superb
She is a fellow redhead, and her name is Katie
Maybe she is me in the future... no, no but she does seem like such a delight!


So here are some of the ABCs about Me:

A. Age: Officially, Twenty Five!
B. Bed size: Queen, and I try to take up the whole thing when I sleep
C. Chore that you hate: dishes, I absolutely loathe unloading the dishwasher
D. Dogs: I have never had a dog (insert sympathy noises here)
E. Essential start to your day: coffee with the morning weather report... though it never changes in AZ- hot, hotter, hottest
F. Favorite color: favorite color is green. but favorite color to wear is coral and turquoise
G. Gold or Silver: Silver is my go to metal, though the gold around my new diamond earrings is pretty!
H. Height: 5'4" on a good day
I. Instruments you play: I played the piano and clarinet when I was little- I wish I would have stuck with piano
J. Job title: Office administrative assistant
K. Kids: Don't have any at this time, but I can't wait to be a momma
L. Live: Middle of a Desert for five more weeks... then Sunny Southern Cali!
M. Mother’s name: Beverly Bee <3
N. Nicknames: so many nicknames Bug, Biffle, Bif, Katie, Poopie, Sister, K... the list could go on and on
O. Overnight hospital stays: I had to stay the night when I had an emergency appendectomy in February
P. Pet peeves: hmmm... people who don't use blinkers, the noise the bathroom fan makes, and people who always have to be right, or always correct people.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Bark twice if you are in Milwaukee", "Baxter, you know I don't speak spanish" "I love lamp." basically anything Anchorman, or "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her"- Notting Hill.
R. Right or left handed: righty tighty
S. Siblings: Sissy and Bubba, both older
U. Underwear: do I have too? 7 for $25 at VS pretty much rules except that they need to have more S on order
V. Vegetable you hate: raw broccoli is at the top of my 'Vegetables I hate to eat list'
W. What makes you run late: sleep usually or other people. I try really hard to always be on time!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: I have had MRIs on my head for headaches, on my abdomen for my appendix, and a quad accident I was in
Y. Yummy food that you make: I make some mean mac n cheese casserole, mahi mahi tacos, and burritos... or so I have been told!
Z. Zoo animal: I am not really an animal person... is that wrong?

Everyone remembers

Everyone remembers that morning.
No matter how many years will come and go
That morning, will always be like it was yesterday.

It has been 10 years
And I remember it like it was yesterday.

Everyone has a story, everyone has some kind of connection
Some people only reflect on this world altering event when September rolls around
Some people wake up everyday with its scars
Some people will never be the same because of it
No one is the same because of it...

This last week, with the ten year memorial coming people's stories are getting heard.
I want to remember, life is bigger than the small everyday inconveniences of life
These stories remind me to be grateful for life. remind me to be thankful for friends and family. and that the true small things matter

These are just a handful I came across, so many more voices to be heard.

So many amazing stories that come from such a tragedy.
Unmeasured Strength.

Story Corps- They would like to tell one story for every person lost in the 9/11 Terror Attacks.
Here are just a few of them:
John and Joe. 
She was the one.
Always a Family.

This is a moment in time, we will never forget. My kids will learn about this day and ask me where I was, and I will always remember...

Goodbye, 24.

Another year has come, and gone

Time goes so much faster when you are an adult aware

Things are a lot harder, faster, more important because of awareness 

Though it can cause some heartache, tension, reflecting

I am beyond blessed.
My eyes have been opened to who I am, where I want to be, and how I am getting there.

I am taking my wishes from last year 

And changing them to fit who I am now

And what I desire for this year... 

Before I blow out my candles

I wanted to let you in on my wishes for Year 24 25

I pray for a hunger to live life to the fullest 

I wish for contentment and enjoyment in the simplest things

I want to spend as much time with friends and family 

I pray for patience, kindness, understanding, respect and love- from me to others 

I would love to find someone to love, but its all on God's plan so if its not supposed to happen this year, I can live with that. 

I desire to grow closer to God by whatever means. To trust His plan for me fully. To have a thankful heart during times of trouble. To remember His grace, mercy and love for me. 

I pray for fun memories with new friends, old friends, and family 

I wish that I will take advantage of the opportunities I am given 

I want to find myself in this 24th year of my life 

I want to continue to find myself, more and more each year. 

I would love to be happy. truly happy. realize happiness is a choice. 

I want to make extra effort to choose to be happy, even when it is hard.

I pray for health, happiness, and good things for my family, friends and self 

I wish for a guarded heart. 

I pray for conviction in what is important to me.

I want to let go of things, people, situations I can't control. and be ok. 

I crave a confidence in my identity. 

I  am going to seek out an adventurous year, one that is documented the whole way through.

I wish for shoes. lots of shoes

I want to cross off some items on my Adventures List! Anyone want to help me, let me know! 

I know there is a list out there I will be crossing items off of! 

I pray I can be silent enough to hear God's purpose for my life and seek it out whole heartedly. 

I would love to go through this 24th year, and be able to look back on it as my best year yet! 

What I Wish...

*Found this through another friends blog...

This Is What I Wish  by Lysa TerKeurst

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Luke 12:34 (NIV)

For my daughters, for your daughters. For my sons, for your sons.

This is what I wish.

You are young with eyes that spark and speak of innocence. Don’t trade. Don’t trade the pure peace that greets you each morning for a taste of something meant for later. Later, when a person handpicked by God will want nothing more than to protect you. They won’t want from you. They will want for you.

For you.

This is what I wish.

When I was young with eyes that sparked and spoke of innocence, I found myself lured by the pull of a want. A want that welled up from deep within the heart of a girl desperate. For love. For kind words. For that feeling of being wanted, noticed, and told she’s pretty.
I tucked my peace in my pocket feeling so certain it would stay even if I stuck my toes in the current of my want.

I waded out into forbidden waters. Ankle deep the rush felt thrilling. Knee deep I felt old enough, strong enough and a bit annoyed that people I respected didn’t trust me. I knew what I was doing. This didn’t feel dangerous so I reasoned it wasn’t dangerous.
But it was.

I was wrong.

This is what I wish.

That I had listened.

Listened to voices of truth to turn back, run back, get myself out of the current. Resist the pull. Refuse the lie that feelings are to be followed. Feelings are to be brought up on the solid ground of truth. Truth that doesn’t shift. Truth that doesn’t betray.

But I kept walking out further and further. Deeper and deeper. And into a current so strong I didn’t realize how far I’d gone. Until it was too late. Waves of regret, anxiety, and fear swept over me. The one that told me I was pretty was gone.

And so was something else. I shoved my hand into my pocket now empty. I’d been so sure peace would stay. I was wrong. It had slipped away.

Oh if only I’d known even at that point to turn, run back to the truth, get back to solid ground. I would have seen peace had washed up there. When peace slips it always finds its way back to stand hand in hand with truth. Just like I eventually did. But to have never walked away and dipped my toes where they shouldn’t have gone would have prevented years of heartbreak and ocean of tears.

Make that choice now. No matter where you are.

This is what I wish.

Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (NIV)

© 2011 by Lysa TerKeurst.

September

its the best month around.
The weather starts to change
ok not in Arizona, but other places
School starts
Football games take up your friday nights
and Birthdays...

I love birthdays!

Sensitive Heart

I have always had a very, very, veeeery sensitive heart.
I am the typical, wear your heart on your sleeve, kind of lady
I love to talk about feelings with people
Unless they include my own
I only do that when I want too...

But, I cry.
It just often happens
Happy times
Sad times
while laughing
when I am tired
I see a commercial that tugs at my heart strings (I'm looking at you Nike commercial where the dad comes home to play basketball with his little girl...yea, that easy!)
I see an older person eating dinner alone
Especially when I see someone else crying

It just happens
And I have tried to decide
Is this a weakness?
Does this make me more vulnerable?
Do people take me less seriously because I show my feelings easily?
Will someone love this sensitive and heart wearing sleeve girl?

Credit

But, I saw this today and it tugged on me.
My tears don't make me weak
They let me know I am alive
I feel my emotions, all of them and express them
Some people might not like it, or choose it

But its me.
God blessed me with a
sensitive
loving
big
empathetic 
compassionate
feeling 
heart 
And I like it!

Thankful Heart

Thanking God during a stormy season of life is not the first thing that comes to our minds.
Most of the time, when things go wrong, we run from God
Or blame Him for the troubles in our lives

It's not easy to be thankful
When you lost a loved one
When there is a new diagnosis of cancer in your family
When your heart is broken into pieces
When your dream job doesn't work out

I am not the best at being thankful during hard times
Actually its probably one of the last things I have done, if I did it at all.

Something really spoke to my heart in the book I have been reading lately, Classic Christianity.
So I wanted to share it with you or anyone who is struggling with faith, life, God's will for them...

"The essence of a life of faith is a thankful heart... 1 Thessalonians 5:18 'Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' Why would God tell us to give thanks in all circumstances, even in bad ones? because giving thanks is a concrete expression of our faith in God- that our lives are in His hands, and that we are trusting Him to fulfill His promise in Romans 8:28 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.' The result of trusting God with our lives and expressing that faith through giving thanks is a freedom and peace that is supernatural:  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7."  - Classic Christianity, p 164 

It doesn't always make sense
Why God's plans for us
hurt our hearts 
cause fear in us
make us turn our backs
but maybe if we truly try to be thankful for all circumstances
we will feel the comfort of the Lord around us.

This part of the book revealed to me,
even though I am hurting, struggling, disappointed or happy, grateful, content
I need to be thankful because God is protecting my heart
He is working all circumstances to the best plan for me.

Good and Bad.

hmph.

is it better to fake it til you make it
or feel your feelings out?

I don't know, but neither seem to be working.