Goodbye, 24.

Another year has come, and gone

Time goes so much faster when you are an adult aware

Things are a lot harder, faster, more important because of awareness 

Though it can cause some heartache, tension, reflecting

I am beyond blessed.
My eyes have been opened to who I am, where I want to be, and how I am getting there.

I am taking my wishes from last year 

And changing them to fit who I am now

And what I desire for this year... 

Before I blow out my candles

I wanted to let you in on my wishes for Year 24 25

I pray for a hunger to live life to the fullest 

I wish for contentment and enjoyment in the simplest things

I want to spend as much time with friends and family 

I pray for patience, kindness, understanding, respect and love- from me to others 

I would love to find someone to love, but its all on God's plan so if its not supposed to happen this year, I can live with that. 

I desire to grow closer to God by whatever means. To trust His plan for me fully. To have a thankful heart during times of trouble. To remember His grace, mercy and love for me. 

I pray for fun memories with new friends, old friends, and family 

I wish that I will take advantage of the opportunities I am given 

I want to find myself in this 24th year of my life 

I want to continue to find myself, more and more each year. 

I would love to be happy. truly happy. realize happiness is a choice. 

I want to make extra effort to choose to be happy, even when it is hard.

I pray for health, happiness, and good things for my family, friends and self 

I wish for a guarded heart. 

I pray for conviction in what is important to me.

I want to let go of things, people, situations I can't control. and be ok. 

I crave a confidence in my identity. 

I  am going to seek out an adventurous year, one that is documented the whole way through.

I wish for shoes. lots of shoes

I want to cross off some items on my Adventures List! Anyone want to help me, let me know! 

I know there is a list out there I will be crossing items off of! 

I pray I can be silent enough to hear God's purpose for my life and seek it out whole heartedly. 

I would love to go through this 24th year, and be able to look back on it as my best year yet! 

Love This.

Credit

I love when I find myself lost in the things other people love...
I don't consider myself really artistic
Though its something I wish I was

Maybe because I tell myself I'm not, I don't try
I have decided this week that we are our own wall
Most the time, we tell ourselves we can't do it, we aren't capable
Though, everyone else out there tells yes, Yes you can!

I want to be better about telling myself
You are more than capable and deserving to find your passions, live your dreams, dream your future.

Moment of Weakness

If you know me, you will agree...

*cory nastazio- professional bmx rider

This is my kryptonite

Sorry for the moment of weakness, but I needed a way to say Thank you Jesus. 

The scruff

The tattoos

The jawline

Thank you God for making all the beautiful creatures

Some things never change..

Dave Barry: 16 Things That Took Me 50 Years to Learn...

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

I will always dislike, despise, loathe driving because of this...

If you are going to get over- use your blinker
If you are going to drive slow- stay out of the fast lane
If you are going to merge- go with the flow of traffic
If you are going to keep 10 car lengths between you and the car in front of you- don't slam on your breaks when someone gets in front of you

I am an above average driver... so you should listen to me

Friendship

This year, I have realized that maintaining friendship is a very important aspect of building and keeping relationships.
It is easy to make new friends, but the real test is if you maintain that friendship.
I am realizing that people come in and out of your life for a reason
There are seasons of friends, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing

I am grateful for all the people I have met in my life and have called friends.
If I see them daily, weekly, monthly, or every 6 months, a year
They have helped mold me into the best possible me
Taught me life lessons
Made memories with me
Been ears to talk to
And given me advice when I didn't want to hear it

I have also realized this year, I have a limit to being a friend
I want to be the best friend that I can be to someone
But I need them to want to do that as well
I realized this year, that I need my friends to want to be my friends
if they don't, that is totally fine but I can't continue to be the only one giving
It might be selfish but I just noticed how much I have let people walk over me
And I want to stand up for myself
I want my friends to treat me how they want to be treated

Friendship is such an important ingredient in who I am
I take pride in trying to be a good friend
Are you treating your friends, how you want to be treated?

Big Picture

Life is about this Big Picture, that I believe, we rarely think about but are constantly consumed with.

Every decision, every experience is just one puzzle piece in the Big Picture.

So do you make your decisions with a Big Picture perspective
or
Do you make your decisions for the now, realizing it could, will, might change your Big Picture?

It seems like a vicious cycle.
You have to live for the now, because well it is now.
But you have to keep the Big Picture in mind
Does this particular situation, decision, experience work you towards or away from your Big Picture?

I am realizing how hard life is.
Its hard to make the right decision
but, its even harder to know what the right decision is...

I don't know exactly how my Big Picture will turn out.
I know some of my puzzle pieces that will complete it are not the same size...

Some pieces are bigger because they have helped mold me into the best version of myself 

Some pieces are smaller because they just put a small shift in my direction towards my ultimate goal

I imagine my Big Picture as one of those collage pictures that you can take small pictures of your life, and if you look at them individually the are something different, but when you step back and look at it, you see a different picture completely...

I don't know what my Big Picture looks like

So, I will live in the moment, realizing, these small moments now have a BIG impact later...


*Sorry for all the repetition with Big Picture

Learning Lessons

This new season of my life I am learning a lot of lessons.

Mostly, I am learning that God really is trying to teach me thing that I have always ignored.
I have never let my guard down as much as I have in these last five months.
I have never had so much fun with my friends, getting to know new people, and rediscovering myself.
I really like to communicate with people. But I am learning, not all people like to communicate.
I am an open book, but I am learning I need to close my book and be selective of who I let into my story.
Heartbreak hurts, but great friends make it better.
It is what it is. There's not to much control I have but over myself, and even that isn't always certain.
Don't always put your trust in people, they tend to just disappoint you
I don't always know what I want, but I know what I don't want
I am meant to love, and will some day find someone who wants to love me back
Life is hard, Life is painful, but I will live it to the fullest
I need to learn to let go
I think way too much, all the time...
I want to start Yoga again, to clear my thoughts
I am learning a lot of life lessons during this season of my life, I won't take this time for granted. 

Dear Year 24

Before I blow out my candles

I wanted to let you in on my wishes for Year 24 

I pray for a hunger to live life to the fullest 

I wish for contentment and enjoyment in the simpliest thing 

I want to spend as much time with friends and family 

I would love to find someone to love, but its all on God's plan so if its not supposed to happen this year, I can live with that. 

I pray for fun memories with new friends, old friends, and family 

I wish that I will take advantage of the opportunities I am given 

I want to find myself in this 24th year of my life 

I would love to be happy. truly happy. 

I pray for health, happiness, and good things for my family, friends and self 

I wish for shoes. lots of shoes :) 

I want to cross off some items on my Adventures List! Anyone want to help me, let me know!

I would love to go through this 24th year, and be able to look back on it as my best year yet! 

Ok, Time to blow out those candles!

The last year...

This will be the last year of my life that you will be apart of it.
Since I was 19, you were there.
24 will be a new year, full of new adventures, new experiences and new trials.

I know that on my big day, I will be surrounded by tons of friends and loved by my family.
I am really looking forward to it...

But I can't help to feel this gapping hole next to me- where you should be
I wish I could change how I felt, because I am happy. I truly am very happy.
But that void- is a huge place to fill.

Just one more milestone

Ah Ha Moments

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."- Albert Einstein...

Ever have an "ah Ha" moment?
You realize you are not making the best decision for yourself,
yet you continue to make the decision over and over thinking this time it, he, she, they will be different, treat you different, react different.
it won't happen.
its insane to think that doing the same thing over and over will give you a different result.

But the hardest part, is to break the cycle.
To stop making the same choices, stop doing the same thing over and over.
If you want different results you have to do something
If nothing changes... nothing changes, right??


I had an "Ah Ha" moment today.
I put myself into a situation where I don't like the result but I keep doing it over and over hoping it will be different.
it wont happen.
So I need to start making the right decision for me
because ultimately, this is my life. its about me. and i am the only one living my life

Another "Ah Ha" moment I had about myself was that one of my character flaws and strength is kindness...
Some people mistake kindness for weakness
Others take advantage of a persons kindness
Then there are people who read too much into someone being kind
And lastly, there are some people who see kindness for exactly what it is.

I am tired of people not seeing kindness as what it is intended to be.

I want to be kind to everyone

But I am learning I can't be, because in the end, I am hurt.

Fairytale Part Two...

This is what I am talking about...
How cute is this?
And now look what guys have to live up too!

I will continue this post again later... but for tonight please enjoy the video!

Fairytale

This blog is a little contradicting but its been on my mind...

Why are we fed the idea that life is a fairytale?
That you fall in love and everything is perfect
That guys go above and beyond to do things that are just perfect for who we are.

Why do we hold our expectations to unreachable heights because we watch movies, tv, listen to music, read books about things that really do not happen?

Trust me, I believe in love
I believe in true love
but the way society and media shape our understanding of real life
is NOT real life.

I am not saying that I don't believe that special, romantic things can happen
but I am saying its not fair that the next person who has to fill in the shoes of my dream guy will have to be an unbelievably sexy, scruffy, sensitive, accomplished, curious, hopelessly romantic mind reader who isn't afraid of love...

Good Luck!

Vulnerable

why are people so afraid of being vulnerable?

there is so much beauty in the cracks of our being
the imperfection of humans are what makes each of us unique individuals
with complexities many of us try but never succeed in understanding.

sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable, and yes its scary
but the rewards are worth it to me...

Mother Teresa- "honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. be honest and transparent anyway."

forgive me for wanting to be vulnerable...

Those shoes will be hard to fill...

*this was the world's smallest man, with Shaq's shoe- you'll get it later...*

WARNING: this post is going to be dreadfully honest, and I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way, but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and this is me being honest...

the beautiful thing about starting new
is that you get a new beginning...

I, not only deserve but I am allowed to set my expectations and bar as high as I want...

Why should I limit myself or what others can do?
Why should I lower my standards? Make excuses for people and their actions? Read into things? Get my hopes up?

I have expectations
high expectations
for the people who are in my life, and who want to be in my life.

I will not settle...
I am done trying to force someone to see how amazing I am (YES i have lots of flaws, but who doesn't... I still know that I have a TON of great things going for me that make me who I am. I am the only one who can be me, and so I am going to do it to the best of my ability)
if you can't or don't want to see that, its not worth it. im not going to force it.

I don't want to be only someones consideration
I want to be someones end all, be all
I am so worth getting to know
I deserve to be pursued

I have been very blessed with an amazing family.
My parents are amazing, and instilled in me self confidence at a very young age.
My brother has always been protective, supportive, loving of me

But my daddy, he has given me something that is irreplaceable...

I have always been a daddy's girl. my whole life.
my dad has shown me how I should be treated, and how I deserve to be treated.
he has put me on a pedastool and I will not settle for anyone who doesn't put me on the same, if not higher, pedastool...

He gave me unconditional love, confidence and an example of how a man should love and treat a woman...

it could be easy to say, his shoes would be impossible to fill.
but that is not the case
they will be filled someday...
because there is someone out there who was made to love me
someone who will do his best to love me unconditionally
and puts me on a pedastool that my dad would be proud of...

I am saying this now...
I deserve someone who chooses to grow through life with me
I deserve someone who couldn't stand the idea of me not being with him
I deserve the world, everyone does...

maybe the more I say it, the more I will believe it

please... don't

I am an open book.
I am curious about people: where they come from, what they believe, their life experiences
I thrive on getting to know people for exactly who they are, and who they want to be.
but I try soo very hard to never assume I know a person, before I really truly know them.

I can honestly say, I HATE... can not stand... get so annoyed... when people assume they know me because of a few bites of information I have given them

or when they think they still know me, when they haven't put any effort into our friendship in weeks, months, years...

so please... don't assume you know me when you don't.
please... don't tell me what I like, don't like, feel, think when you only just met me
please... don't assume I am the same person I was when we were friends- so long ago
please... just don't



it just makes me want to tell you less and less..

Friendship...

-Picture provided from http://thingsweforget.blogspot.com/-

I am the type of friend that needs communication.
I do have those friends that I only talk to once in awhile and we pick up right where we left off.
But I need people who want to be apart of my life and see that just showing up with its convenient for them isn't true friendship.

its all about the little things...

How do you say no more...

with friends?

How do you know when its time to throw in the towel?
When do you say, enough is enough, this isn't good for me?
Do you just stop trying and see if they notice?
Or do you sit them down and say, I can't be your friend anymore, if this is how its going to be...

Sometimes, you have to do what is good for you, not others

Right now, its hard being the only one giving, when you need something to know that you aren't giving for no reason.

I am ok with growing up, and I realize some friends won't always hold the same place in our lives and hearts, I really truly understand that

but
I'm really not sure how much longer I can be your friend.

I want to be
but
I need a friend too.
and you aren't being anything near what I would define a friend.

No Control

Disclaimer: I just need to get something off my chest. I hope that once I do I can just move passed it. The picture above is a little more dramatic than this post will be, but it is beautiful at the same time! I got it here

Life is kind of like a storm. I am learning to dance in the rain...

I am learning lots of things. Here is the lesson of the week (so far...)

I have learned this lesson before.
But it doesn't mean it won't show up from time to time to re-teach you something.
Control. A lot of the time, we think we have it, but we don't. I'm not talking about control over ourselves but control over a situation. When so many other influencing factors are involved its that much harder to have control.
Mistakes. I make them, you make them, everyone makes them. If a person thinks they don't, we might have an issue. If a persons thinks people do things to them on purpose, then they might be a little too senstivie (I am guilty of that big time, its another lesson I am currently learning the slow way). If a person can't forgive another for a mistake they apologized for, then I don't know what to tell that person... but they will be holding onto a lot of stuff that will just weigh them down in the long run...

So why is it, that when you don't have complete control over a situation,
and you maybe make a bad judgement call or a mistake, but you later apologize for that mistake. people can't forgive...

tell me you have never made a mistake and asked for forgiveness.
tell me that you didn't have control over a situation and someone else was affected from that lack of control but you are having the finger pointed at you, even though you couldn't control it all.


I may be sawing sawdust here
but I needed to get it off my chest
and writing it in words seems to be the only way.


But, I did what I could to make it better, so at least I can say I did the best I could.

Moving on with this beautiful day!

Really!?

I am not a confrontational person,
I try to be rational
Come to the person with compassion, and honesty that I might have an issue with.

But, when people have completely different perspective's on a situation
that is really REALLY really H.A.R.D.

I feel like I get walked all over.
I feel like I care way to much about other people's feelings over my own.
I am TIRED of not having reliable, understanding, selfless people around me.

People don't walk in other people's shoes anymore...
People are greedy
People are selfish
People only care about themselves and don't think about what they might be putting someone else through...

I'm not asking for the moon,
I'm asking for some decency, understanding that YOU made a choice YOU have to deal with, and rationale...


P.S. Isn't that baby too much to be really mad at?! haha so cute!

Just a small part of life...

Ever have a day where something happens that was unexpected, unwanted and you felt like it was undeserved... today is that day for me.

I am a senior in college, and I have worked on plenty of projects and pulled many all nighters, taken hundreds of exams and nodded off through plenty of lectures. But, I have never been as frustrated about a grade as I am right now. Before spring break I worked so hard on a group project. I spent hours writing, editing, analyzing data and ended up with a less than "acceptable" grade considering the work put into this project.

I have been really frustrated and just mad that all my time and energy could be given this unacceptable grade. And even though I know this lesson its hard to let it go completely, but it reminds me...

This is just a SMALL part of my life. This is just one grade in handful of other grades I have earned. I might not agree with it, and I might write a really mean teacher evaluation for this professor, but this is small, in the BIG scheme of things! Its hard to remember this, and its hard to not be frustrated but as my friend said, "its in the past, let it go! eff it- only 48 more days!"

ps. I may try to boycott class, and I will let you know how that goes.

pss. in case you were wondering, I got an 84% on the project...