48. Sooo you're telling me, I'm not gonna die from this?

One reason I say that heartbreak is not contagious is because
I thought it was at one point...
When I was heartbroken,
So were three of my other friends.

It was almost like there was a Summertime conspiracy between our then boyfriends
All of us had our hearts broken within three weeks of each other
Ranging from one year- four years of togetherdom.
At the time, I thought maybe it was contagious.

Its not.

Also, contrary to popular belief
It doesn't kill ya... Like that saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Its funny when those types of sayings prove to be true

It gets better.
It doesn't hurt for as long as you thought it would
There are even times that you see the light at the end of the tunnel
Then you find someone worth being better for again
There is a reason for all the pain
So you appreciate Love more than you did before

It all depends what you do with the experience.
Are you going to let it bring you down and defeat you?
Or are you going to tell yourself,
This is an opportunity to be better?
This is a chance to live the life you have always wanted?

It hurts. Its not fun.
But its not contagious. Or a terminal illness.

And then, it doesn't hurt. And life is fun again.

five.years.

Side note: Forgive me if this blog rambles, or leads on to many different tangents. I have had a few ideas consuming my mind with it, but it has yet to come to fruition.. so please, bare with me. 

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

We all have an answer for this question, but how often does it follow through?
I couldn't tell you what I was going to eat for the next five meals, let alone tell you what I will be doing, or where I will be in the next five years. I have an idea of things I would like to accomplish, achieve, places I would want to be but there is no saying if it will happen or not.


Five years ago, I would not have been able to even conceive of, let alone, believe I would be the person I am today. These last five years have changed me immensely. I have been through a lot of really wonderful times, created a lot of beautiful memories, but I have also been broken in ways I didn't think people should break.

I started a process five years ago, that I did not think would take me all the way to this moment.
Its a process that many people go through, many times in their life.
I met a boy. I liked this boy (a lot).  I dated this boy.
one year. I loved this boy.
two years. I loved him even more. It wasn't always perfect. But, we always had each other.
three years. I loved him very much. We could get through anything that came our way.
four years. I loved him, he gave up on me. I was broken. I had to pick up the pieces. I had to piece myself together.

five years. I am figuring out me.  for close to five years, I identified myself through someone else. I made dreams for myself using a time line based on someone else's dreams and life.

Its still all a process. its a new process, that I am not used too.
I still meet new people.
But the last five years (even more so the last 10 months) have taught me what I know I need and know I want. It has made me more vocal. It has made me an explorer. It has made me carelessly, careful.

If someone asks me "where do you think you will be in the next five years?"- I will have an answer for them. But I am not going to try to plan my life on a five year time line block, because if there is anything I have learned its that life happens, things change when you least expect it, or when you need it the most...

Actions Speak Louder than Words

I know you are all sick of my roller coaster of emotions.
...because trust me, i am freaking sick of it as well...
I am really struggling with having my heart feel what my head knows.
It just isn't on the same page right now

I know what I want in life:
I want God.
I want Love.
I want Health and Happiness.
I want a family.
I want someone who stands besides me.

But most of all I struggle with the want of: Love
I know so many things
   I know if I am looking for it, it won't come.
   I know its not something you can force.
   I know you have to know and love yourself to be open to that kind of love.
   You have to have a full heart, to love that kind of love
   I know, if you let love go and it never comes back it was never yours yadda yadda

I know these common rules and thoughts about love...
Yet, I don't follow those rules.
I try so often to do it my way.
Well... my way D.O.E.S. N.O.T. work

I can't have it all.
I have to make sacrifices
I have to make the choice to do what's right
even when its soo frackin' hard.

I am always so worried about hurting other people
To the point where I will put myself through the mill to keep someone else happy,
or give someone else what they want,
But what about me? 

How do I continue to let you hurt me
even after so much time has gone
Your actions speak a lot louder than words....
and you'll never know how much they both hurt 

Starting today
Starting right now...
I'm doing me
for me

I can't hold onto the burden of the mistakes you chose to make 

Post Secret

 

Sometimes what you can't put into words.

Someone else can. 

They don't have to mean the same thing.

But they can move you the same way. 

I miss the times when my most important decisions was what to wear to school. 

I miss when I never doubted my dreams 

I miss when love was all you needed... 

Sometimes when you can't put into words. 

Someone else can. 

And it is exactly what you have been trying to say. 

 

 

*pictures found on PostSecrets Google Search

Kaleidoscope Heart

A lot of my girlfriends have been ranting and raving about the new Sara Bareilles album.
I have to admit, I am a huge fan of it!
Some of the songs really hit home, and today is one of those days that I will just play this song on repeat.

Gonna Get Over You
Sara Barreilles
Kaleidoscope Heart

Goodbye

Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands
Well, no more,

I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

I stand corrected,
I know too well
And now it's much too late for you for me as far as I can tell,
Oh I say, oh yeah, yeah, yeah

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

The last year...

This will be the last year of my life that you will be apart of it.
Since I was 19, you were there.
24 will be a new year, full of new adventures, new experiences and new trials.

I know that on my big day, I will be surrounded by tons of friends and loved by my family.
I am really looking forward to it...

But I can't help to feel this gapping hole next to me- where you should be
I wish I could change how I felt, because I am happy. I truly am very happy.
But that void- is a huge place to fill.

Just one more milestone

Rain Boots

 

I guess when it rains, it pours... well, bring it on, I have always wanted cute rain boots. 

Today I felt like it was raining on my life again. It was all these little things adding up to be the perfect storm.  To be honest, I know what is going on. I know that its just the devil trying to bring me down. And you know what, I can get through anything you put me through. 

I had a dream about you last night. You were happy. It killed inside, because I am happy but not in the same way you are. But it was just a dream. Life isn't a dream world. So I will let you go to sleep and be happy if that's what it takes. 

If its raining, you'll find me dancing in the storm- with really cute rain boots.

Feeling vs. Filling

There is a huge, HUGE, huuuuge difference between Feeling your Feelings, or Filling your Feelings.

One is definitely harder than the other. One takes time. lots and lots of time. One takes being honest and open with yourself, even when its the hardest thing to do. One requires you to spend lonely days and nights together. One won't let you escape the different feelings you have going through your head and your heart (which are never on the same page)

But I would much rather take the road less traveled because life is not easy.

Feeling my feelings might be hard, really hard, but it will pay off in the end.

I have never been one to take the easy road. I will leave that path for you.

Hanging on

I have always had a problem letting go of things.
I feel like if I have invested in something, I don't want to not see it blossom into its full potential.

There are things, or people in life that will never reach their full potential because they make the decision to stop growing.

You can water their foundation, give them the best soil, make sure they get enough sunlight, even talk or sing to them to encourage their growth and help them realize their full worth and potential.

But I guess I am learning, even if you do all these things, the object you are trying to help grow will only grow if it wants too. If it digs its roots down into what you have provided and sees their own potential.

I guess I hang on, because I want to be there for the beginning to the end of the process. If I am in a growing process with you, its fair to say I will want to be there with you until the end. When I invest in someone, I want to see my investment grow. I have hung on because I want to see you grow into what I know you can be. but, I have to realize its not my fault if you can't see your own potential. And if you limit yourself in life.

The sky is my limit. And I'm done hanging on...

Duffy: Hanging On Too Long-
It was just my mistake thinking you cared
It was just my mistake thinking you'd be there
That you'd be by my side and that you wouldn't lie
My mistake

It was just my false hope thinking we'd last, yeah
It was just my false hope, forgot all your past
All those girls you denied
Smashed up hearts hung out to dry

I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
But I need to move on, hanging on too long

I was a fool for you right from the start, yeah
I was a fool for you hoping for a spark
For some kind of sign that you would be mine

I know it's wrong, I do, hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong, hanging on too long

My heart was clutching to one fair right
My head was pumping, it could put up a fight

I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
And I need to move on, I'm hanging on too long

I know it's wrong, hanging on too long
And I know it's wrong, hanging on too long

Life is full of...

Life is full of analogies... so let me try to use one you can relate to and understand.

Cars, most people can relate to cars.

Well, when you have a Rolls Royce you can't get much better than that. Granted you have to take care of the Rolls Royce, you might have to put more effort into the maintenance of it, but driving that car, the Phantom to be exact, is well worth the effort, time, and resources. It wouldn't get much better than a Phantom.

But if you don't want to put the effort, time, or resources into a Rolls Royce, you have to downgrade. You have to get something that has the same purpose but will never be as good as a Rolls Royce. There are lots of options, you can go to a car you have used before because you are comfortable, or you can try something new.

But once you have experienced the Rolls Royce, you will always be searching for something to fill that void and give you that experience again. I am here to tell you, that Aspire you are driving is not, and will not ever be the Rolls Royce you used to have.


In case you don't know what an Aspire looks like, I included a picture of the best one I could find!

one is the...

in this new journey i have been going through
i am experiencing something that i haven't felt in a long time
it creeps in at unexpected times
there is no rhyme or reason
in a room full of people, or in a bed by myself
it is distinct
it is gut wrenching
heartbreaking
unbearable at best
its something i have never been well at
i strive for connection
i live from communication
i love to feel loved
but this thing i haven't felt in a long time
takes over
it screams out, in a silent world

this journey i am on is a winding path through darkness and light
it is taking me places i don't want to go, be, or ever visit again
it forces you to be honest, open and curious

i am not afraid of what is at the end
because i know i will come out of this better
but this new journey i am on, i am on alone

i am lonely. even in a room full of people.

baby steps...

There are a lot of things that take time.
Mending a heart, is one of those things...
at least for me it is.
and I know it will be a very very long time
because this heart of my is very broken

But its all about baby steps.
Tonight, I cooked dinner
for the first time in 8 weeks.
I cooked dinner for one.
just me. no one else.
I ate my dinner alone.
at my dining room table. in my chair. not his.
I cleaned my dishes by myself.
instead of drying them.
It was one more piece of me shattering to pieces
but maybe, it was a baby step in the right direction...

I hate to feel and seem so dramatic
but this is me.
I know I am still lucky.
I know I am still blessed.
But I know I am still broken.


and it still sucks.

not my dinner.
but being alone. and without you.

Everyday

Everyday is different
But one thing stays the same

This hole in my heart isn't going to change
I can't fill it with anything
And I don't want too...

I wake up missing you

I am learning to never expect anything.

Everyday I think
Everyday I miss you

Everyday I want to love

I miss love the most

Someday
Oneday
Someone will love me
Everyday...

Once Again

I still have my days, and my moments... a lot
where I think, what are we doing?
how is this right?
what am I supposed to do?

I need you...

You get me
You know me
I can be me with you.

Today:
It still doesn't feel right.
It still doesn't feel ok.
I am really sad

Everyone tells me I need to be out there having fun
I need to move on and get passed these feelings
That this is right to them...
I have yet to feel those things

I am not sure how to do all these new "firsts" again.

Today. I am not ok.

once again.

When will I be?

All these things

have something in common...


the rain
slow songs
purple
cars
basketball
11.11
san diego
laughter
going to sleep
turtles
brushing teeth
sunny days
fast songs
snowboarding
driving
dinner
waking up
zebra print
love
signs
paradise bakery cookies
movies
being late
bikes
mac n cheese
hippos
swimming
singing
root beer
clothes
green
christmas
whole foods
humming birds
laying in bed
target
being organized
four wheeling
lady bugs
coffee
silence
the noise a text makes
hot days
tattoos
anchorman
lillies
shopping
red
cooking
being sick
pedicures
cream soda
pazookie
holding hands

the list could go on...

but to be honest, i am terrified for the day these things don't have anything in common.

Hardest Thing Ever...

Today...
I did the hardest thing I hope I ever have to do in life.
I guarded my heart.
I stood up for myself so I could move forward
I made a decision for myself
I still put myself out there, but it doesn't hurt as bad.

I still love you
It will not always be easy
It might not feel good all the time

but I did it.

Today...
I did something for my future
I made a choice to speak up for what I need
It was the hardeSt thing I have ever had to do

but I did it.

Today...
is a new day
the future is bright

but I did it...

because I love you.

Pretending...

I can't pretend...

that this is easy.
that it doesn't hurt.
that I am whole.
that I don't miss you.
that I am ok.
that I don't love you.

I can't pretend anymore...

Back to Square One

Looks like my heart is back to square one

The heart is not a toy.
THIS IS NOT A GAME

I try to protect myself, but really I was letting my heart be out there... again...

I need to set boundaries and stick to them. no matter how hard it hurts.

You would think after so much love, a person wouldn't intentionally hurt you...

I guess you are not the person I thought you were.

Baggage

Hi, my name is Katelynn.
This is my baggage...
I know its a lot, but it makes me... me.

Someday
Somewhere
Someone
will love me, and my baggage...

I Wish...

Nicest Things
Made of Bricks
Kate Nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.


I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something




Songs make me feel better about the emotions I have.
It makes me feel that at least someone else has felt how I have feel/felt.
Its just one of those days.